L8X Generation Brings Back the Memories

It's weird. I'm listening to boysrock by Latex Generation which I believe came out in late 1998, yet for some reason, it's reminding me of an earlier time and a later time all at the same time. Does that make any sense? It's rather depressing.

I guess it puts me in the state of mind that I was in when this album came out. Depressed, lonely, scared and kind of lost. I know it sounds weird, especially if you know me at all, since that was the year I spent in B3. Talk about a fun fucking year. Parties every weekend. Friends stopping by every weekend even if there were no plans to have a party. I swear, more parties just spontaneously happened there than were planned. One time I was drunk for a week straight because it was Tuesday. I actually wrote a song about it, but it sucks.

Anyways, as I'm sitting here listening to it, I get the feeling in my stomach that I would get back in the day. The memories come and go, but the feeling stays. It's a longing for that time in my life. Before I fucked everything up. Before I became the person I am today. I really hate what I've become. I'm a townie. It sucks, but because of my past fuck ups, I'm stuck here. Every year I say that this is my last year here, but three hundred sixty-five days later and I'm still suck here. So, I long for that time in my life. Back when the future looked bright.

At the same time, though, the feeling is that feeling you get right before you get arrested or right before someone gives you the horrible news about someone you love having just died. That horrible pit in your stomach that feels like you're going to vomit. That's the feeling I'm getting. I hated that time in my life. I hated it. I was miserable then. And thinking back on it, I wonder why I still long for those times. It's fucked up. Just like now I have a total of a few friends and just like now, I was always the after thought. When people showed up at my place it was always to see my roommate and I just happened to be there. I don't know if that was actually the case, but it felt like it was. And it still feels that way now.

I still feel as if no one actually likes me, as if I'm not really someone's friend. I feel like if I didn't have a few certain friends, then everyone else I call a friend would forget about my very existence. Now that I think about it, I realize that most of my friends aren't actually my friends. They are friends of my friends. Hell, I don't even have any friends around here. There's my roommate and that's about it. No one ever calls. No one even calls back. How depressing it that?

I know it could be worse. I have a job. I have a house. I'm not dying...at least not at this exact moment, but give it a few days, it could change. For how not shitty my life is, I do have a lot to be happy about, I still hate everything about myself except for myself. I hate my body, my job, my town, my lifestyle, my lack of car, my lack of money, my lack of anything to do ever, but I still think I'm better than everyone else, atleast personality-wise. I know that my mind is top-notch, but everything else about my life if fucking pathetic. I can't get a date, I can't save a dime, I can't even talk to a girl without talking about how big of a loser I am. It's fucking pathetic. the worst part is, I'll be telling myself not to talk myself down and I'll be telling myself not to be funny for the sake of being funny and I'll be telling myself not to go for a cheap laugh, but I always talk about how fat I am or how I'm a loser or about my diarrhea or about fucking Jesus with a dildo I pulled out of a fat chick who was having her period. I say shit like that. No wonder girls won't take me serious. I'm a joke.

So, what should I do? Change who I am? That's not me. I like who I am, but it turns out that no one else does. That's fine. I'll keep living my shitty life and I'll watch stupid guys with 2Fast2Furious cars dating super cool girls who are too fucking stupid to realize they are dating a date rapist. Fine. Stupid girls get what they deserve, but sadly, douche bag guys never get what they deserve.

I guess that makes me a douche bag, because I never get what I deserve. What is it that I deserve? How about being happy once in a while? That would be nice. How about not having people point out how depressed I am and how big of a downer that is. That would also be nice. Maybe I wouldn't be such a downer if people weren't so goddamned stupid. Maybe I'd be more upbeat if people weren't such goddamned assholes. Maybe I'd be more chipper if people gave a shit about me. Hell, I'd just be happy if people gave a shit about anyone but themselves. Sadly, that's not the world I live in. I live in a world I hate surrounded by people that I hate while living a life I hate.

And I just realized that I'm a guy because I thought to myself I wouldn't be so damn depressed if I could get a blow job. That just made me more depressed. Sadly, I'm everything I hate about other people. Now I'm just rambling and I should just delete this, but I'm too fucking stupid to do that.