Jerking Off Is Getting Old

So, here I am and it's almost 8PM and I hasn't once thought about jerking off. Either I'm getting old or jerking off is. Either way, it's a sad, sad day.

So, my birthday is coming up. I'm sure this year will be the same as every other birthday. Which means, I'll be sitting at home wishing I had something to do. At least last year I spent my birthday trying to sleep off the Bad Religion concert from the night before. I turn 26 this year. Hooray!

My birthday will also add another year to my record breaking girlfriendless streak. It will hit 9 years at the end of October. Hooray! That's right. My last official girlfriend was in October of 1996. Since then I've semi-dated four girls. One blew me and realized I had a small cock, so she stopped dating me. One was a girl that never broke up with her boyfriend so I never really got a chance to date her, but we fucked once. I'm sure that ruined any chance I ever had with her. One girl was my friend's girlfriend. Yes, I'm an asshole. And the last girl was the best of the four, but luckily for her, she decided to stop talking to me. It's probably for the best for her. I'm sure I would have just dragged her down with me.

I honestly don't know why I'm so obsessed about being single for so long. I mean, some people have had it way worse than me, but I'm not them so I don't care how bad they have it. I deserve to have someone. Christ, even though I'm a huge fucking loser, I'm still better than most guys out there. I think that's my problem. I'm too good for most girls. They want a guy who treats them like shit. Plow United said it best with "If I could treat you like shit then you'd love me forever!" Of course, I think the Mr. T Experience said it even better:


I still haven't found a girlfriend though I've tried a lot
so can you help me please it's tougher than I thought.
The odds are pretty good but the goods are pretty odd
still at this point I'd take anything you've got.

You see this all the time nice girls in love with jerks
what could they be thinking tell me how it works.
If I've got some problems well I wouldn't be the first
but the ones I have in mind are even worse

and even Hitler had a girlfriend
who he could always call
who'd always be there for him
in spite of all his faults.
He was the worst guy ever
reviled and despised
even Hitler had a girlfriend
so why can't I?

Life is full of contradictions hard to understand
and for every happy woman there's a lonely man.
Nixon had his puppy, Charles Manson had his clan
but God forbid that I get a girlfriend.

Even Hitler had a girlfriend
who he could call his own
to sweeten days of bitterness
and feeling all alone.
I'm not as bad as Hitler
but it doesn't mean a thing
since they'd rather be with Hitler more than me
I don't see
why they'd rather be with Hitler more than me.