I feel so lonesome surrounded by friends

Am I the only guy on MySpace that isn't a GQ model? Jesus Christ. It's ri-goddamn-diculous. You see the list of friends on someone's page and you start to feel like the shit on the bottom of someone's shoe.

And then you see a picture of some guy who looks like he fell out of the ugly tree and when he hit the bottom, the ugly people beat him with ugly sticks. Or the dude's wearing a suit and he looks like someone who looked too geeky for Revenge of the Nerds VII: Talk Nerdy to Me and you start to feel better because you're laughing so goddamn hard at him. He's trying his best to look like Brad Pitt, but it ain't happening. Then I start to feel bad because I realize that he probably has a girlfriend who he bangs everynight. And while he's doing it, he's thinking about me and how big of a loser I am.

Should I get help?

Do you wanna pay for it? Yeah, I didn't think so.

You know what I hate? I hate having that feeling in the pit of your stomach that always accompanies bad news. I have it right now and I have no idea why. Well, I know why, but it won't do any good talking about it. That tends to just make it worse because I know that I have no control over it. It makes it worse because I know that there is no reason whatsoever for me to be having this feeling. And, frankly, that's depressing as hell.

Lately I've been having trouble speaking. I'll be in the middle of talking and suddenly I'll have no clue what I want to say next. I'll blank out. I won't even know what word it was that was supposed to come next.

I'm not talking about losing your train of thought. I mean, I'm speaking and midsentence, I'll just forget what words are supposed to be coming next. Then I'll start stuttering, like that will somehow help. It's quite unnerving because the only thing I have going for me is my ability to speak. If I start talking like a retard with a dick in his mouth, how can I expect to get a girl to talk to me? It's pathetic.

I've also found myself getting really light headed for no reason. Just out of nowhere, it seems like I just drank a gallon of vodka. I'll lose focus and start to wobble. Then I'll slowly come back to normal. The episodes only last for about ten seconds, but they scare the shit out of me. I've recently been to the doctor and everything is relatively okay with me. I have a feeling that my brain is fucked up. If I felt like shit all the time, I'd worry about it being cancer or something, but I feel fine. In fact, the last few months, other than the flu, I've felt better than I've ever felt. Well, atleast physically. Mentally and emotionally is a much different story.

I've never been diagnosed as being depressed. When I was really having problems and should have seen a psyciatrist, I didn't want to because I already was an outcast in school and being a "mental patient" would hardly make me any more popular. Being unpopular was part of the propblem with me, so I decided to not see a therapist. I just kind of self-diagnosed myself as being depressed. I'm sure that I wasn't because I never stayed in bed all day and I never had mood swings. I was just unhappy all the time and thought about killing myself every other minute. Not depression, but something I should have seen somebody about.

I didn't.

My mistake.

It seems like I'm starting to revert to my middle school/high school emotional state. Realizing that I'm not the most popular guy in class. Feeling insignificant. Wanting to be happy, but not being able to just snap out of it. One minute I'm happy and laughing and wanting to call up all of my friends and see how they are and just love the moment that I'm in because everything is okay. Then the next minute, I want everyone to leave me alone. I want to just go to sleep and not wake up. I want the whole world to stop. I just stare at the wall and wonder what is wrong with me, but the answer never comes and that just makes it worse.

Why can't I just be happy with what I have and strive to make the things around me that I don't like better? Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I just be not sad? I wish I knew. I really do, but sadly, I don't think I'm ever going to figure that out. It's lonely being alone, but it's even more lonely being surrounded by friends.