I Know I'm Funny, So Shut the Fuck Up!
That's right. I said it. I'm fucking funny. Chances are, I'm way funnier than you, so just shut up let me do my schtick. Seriously, I know that I'm funny. How do I know? I make people laugh... alot. Even if it's because I'm being retarded and I forgot what words mean, I still will make you laugh. I'm that funny. Everyone knows that I'm funnier than them, so why do they still persist in talking when I'm in the room? If you're talking, then it makes my job that much more difficult. So, here's a humble suggestion from me to you: Shut the fuck up and let me make you laugh. Unless you can actually go one on one with me and give and take the way you should, don't even try. There are very few people that can keep up with me when I'm on a roll and those people are not you. They are Gib and Russ. Everyone else is less funny than me. It's that simple. If I decide to leave the crown at home, then you are more than welcome to participate, but if I'm on and I'm killing, then please, sit down and shut up. You're just ruining it for everyone else.
Of course, I'm just kidding about all of that. I'd say that 99 percent of my friends are super funny and I usually crack up and can't talk atleast once a night with all of them. They are funny. That's why they are my friends, but still, I'm funnier than them because that's all I got going for me. I got a great sense of humor and an incredibly below average penis size. I'd gladly be a leper if I could have a huge cock. I'd give up my entire personality to be able to use it. That is my last prayer ever. If there is a god and he grants me that wish, then I will preach his word. If he doesn't give me a huge cock and the chances to use it, then fuck him.
Is that even a fair deal? A dude with no personality at all gets a huge wang and I get stuck with an inadequate love muscle. I mean, how does that work? Some douche bag gets all the chicks because his cock is the size of my arm, but I, who can make you laugh and feel good about yourself, is hung like the ebola virus. And I don't mean my weiner is the size of the ebola virus, I mean, I'm hung as if I were the ebola virus. It's a cruel, cruel world. Hence, my atheism.
So, I'm going to talk about something personal. It's not personal to me, but it's personal to a very close friend of mine. It's pretty public knowledge, but I want to be lame and talk about it for a second. My friend Russ is having some problems with his grandfather and I want to state here publicly that I think it sucks. I went thru it last year with my grandmother and I'll be going thru it sometime soon with my grandfather. It's not fun and it can really test your mental and emotion toughness. But, I'm sure that Russ will come thru it all with flying colors. He's that type of guy. He's my friend for a reason.
Speaking of my friends, I don't have many, but the few I have are truly great people. Everyone asks why I don't ever go out to bars. Well, I have a reason. I don't need to meet any more people. I have enough friends to last me quite some time. They are more dear to me than life itself and the need to meet new people seems to cheapen what I have with them. There are five types of people in the world.
1.) People I love and would die for.
2.) People that I love and would kill for.
3.) People that I know, but I wouldn't consider them friends. They are usually friends of friends.
4.) People I could care less about.
5.) People I couldn't care less about.
Let's talk about those five groups real quickly.
People I Love and Would Die For
This one is obvious. These are my close friends and family. These are the people that if they need something, I would stop whatever I'm doing and help them. No questions asked. Outside of my family, there are maybe four or five people in this circle. If you don't know if you're one of those people, then guess what, you're not.
People That I Love and Would Kill For
This is bigger group. These are the people that I care about and would do just about anything for. If any of these friends needed help, I would do anything I could as soon as possible, but it might have to wait until I get out of work that day. This is the circle that most of my friends belong in. If you've ever seen me drinking, then chances are you are a member of this group. I wouldn't die for you, but I'd come damn close.
People That I Know
If I know you and talk to you on a semi-regular basis then chances are I think you're at least a decent person. More than likely, I think you are a good person and would do my best to help you out, but I'm not going to go out of my way to do it. This group is usually made up of friends of friends. I met you through someone else and I like you, but we're not going to hang out by ourselves. That's fine. But, that doesn't mean I don't have your back if you need someone. If you have a shitty boyfriend, I'll help you realize that you should date me, but I'll have no hard feelings when you don't. If you have a stalker, I'll gladly get my ass kicked by him so you can make it home safe. If you need someone to help you move, I might just do it. Like I said, I'll do what I can to help, but don't expect me to cash out my life savings at the drop of a hat. That's something I do for the other two groups.
People I Could Care Less About.
If I don't know you, I don't care about you. I don't want anything bad to happen to you, but if it does, I'm not going to write a haiku about it. If per chance, I do know you and you're in this group, then I think you're lame and I'll feel bad if something happens to you and I might even try to help, but don't expect it.
People I Couldn't Care Less About
If you're in this group, then I know you and you're a fucking asshole. You are a bad person and you deserve all of the bad things that happen to you. This group is usually filled with people that have fucked me over or they have fucked over someone else. They are guys that beat their girlfriends. They are people who think only of themselves. They are sometimes racist, sexist, homophobes and frankly, I hope there is a god so these people can go to hell. They are the ones that deserve it. These people make life a living hell, but somehow get away with it. I hate these people and when I go crazy, you are all going down. Sometimes I include myself in this group. I've done some things in my life that I'm not proud of and when I think of those things, I add myself to the list of truly horrible people. I'm sure that some night I'll get super bummed and I'll end up talking about all of the things that make me a bad person, but not tonight. I'm in kind of a decent mood tonight. So, that will wait until tomorrow when I'm suicidal again.
Well, that's enough for now. It's way too late and I'm too boring.
Of course, I'm just kidding about all of that. I'd say that 99 percent of my friends are super funny and I usually crack up and can't talk atleast once a night with all of them. They are funny. That's why they are my friends, but still, I'm funnier than them because that's all I got going for me. I got a great sense of humor and an incredibly below average penis size. I'd gladly be a leper if I could have a huge cock. I'd give up my entire personality to be able to use it. That is my last prayer ever. If there is a god and he grants me that wish, then I will preach his word. If he doesn't give me a huge cock and the chances to use it, then fuck him.
Is that even a fair deal? A dude with no personality at all gets a huge wang and I get stuck with an inadequate love muscle. I mean, how does that work? Some douche bag gets all the chicks because his cock is the size of my arm, but I, who can make you laugh and feel good about yourself, is hung like the ebola virus. And I don't mean my weiner is the size of the ebola virus, I mean, I'm hung as if I were the ebola virus. It's a cruel, cruel world. Hence, my atheism.
So, I'm going to talk about something personal. It's not personal to me, but it's personal to a very close friend of mine. It's pretty public knowledge, but I want to be lame and talk about it for a second. My friend Russ is having some problems with his grandfather and I want to state here publicly that I think it sucks. I went thru it last year with my grandmother and I'll be going thru it sometime soon with my grandfather. It's not fun and it can really test your mental and emotion toughness. But, I'm sure that Russ will come thru it all with flying colors. He's that type of guy. He's my friend for a reason.
Speaking of my friends, I don't have many, but the few I have are truly great people. Everyone asks why I don't ever go out to bars. Well, I have a reason. I don't need to meet any more people. I have enough friends to last me quite some time. They are more dear to me than life itself and the need to meet new people seems to cheapen what I have with them. There are five types of people in the world.
1.) People I love and would die for.
2.) People that I love and would kill for.
3.) People that I know, but I wouldn't consider them friends. They are usually friends of friends.
4.) People I could care less about.
5.) People I couldn't care less about.
Let's talk about those five groups real quickly.
People I Love and Would Die For
This one is obvious. These are my close friends and family. These are the people that if they need something, I would stop whatever I'm doing and help them. No questions asked. Outside of my family, there are maybe four or five people in this circle. If you don't know if you're one of those people, then guess what, you're not.
People That I Love and Would Kill For
This is bigger group. These are the people that I care about and would do just about anything for. If any of these friends needed help, I would do anything I could as soon as possible, but it might have to wait until I get out of work that day. This is the circle that most of my friends belong in. If you've ever seen me drinking, then chances are you are a member of this group. I wouldn't die for you, but I'd come damn close.
People That I Know
If I know you and talk to you on a semi-regular basis then chances are I think you're at least a decent person. More than likely, I think you are a good person and would do my best to help you out, but I'm not going to go out of my way to do it. This group is usually made up of friends of friends. I met you through someone else and I like you, but we're not going to hang out by ourselves. That's fine. But, that doesn't mean I don't have your back if you need someone. If you have a shitty boyfriend, I'll help you realize that you should date me, but I'll have no hard feelings when you don't. If you have a stalker, I'll gladly get my ass kicked by him so you can make it home safe. If you need someone to help you move, I might just do it. Like I said, I'll do what I can to help, but don't expect me to cash out my life savings at the drop of a hat. That's something I do for the other two groups.
People I Could Care Less About.
If I don't know you, I don't care about you. I don't want anything bad to happen to you, but if it does, I'm not going to write a haiku about it. If per chance, I do know you and you're in this group, then I think you're lame and I'll feel bad if something happens to you and I might even try to help, but don't expect it.
People I Couldn't Care Less About
If you're in this group, then I know you and you're a fucking asshole. You are a bad person and you deserve all of the bad things that happen to you. This group is usually filled with people that have fucked me over or they have fucked over someone else. They are guys that beat their girlfriends. They are people who think only of themselves. They are sometimes racist, sexist, homophobes and frankly, I hope there is a god so these people can go to hell. They are the ones that deserve it. These people make life a living hell, but somehow get away with it. I hate these people and when I go crazy, you are all going down. Sometimes I include myself in this group. I've done some things in my life that I'm not proud of and when I think of those things, I add myself to the list of truly horrible people. I'm sure that some night I'll get super bummed and I'll end up talking about all of the things that make me a bad person, but not tonight. I'm in kind of a decent mood tonight. So, that will wait until tomorrow when I'm suicidal again.
Well, that's enough for now. It's way too late and I'm too boring.
posted by Jym Is Cool at 6:17 AM
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