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So, I'm sitting here.

Just sitting.

And waiting...

and waiting........

and waiting.............

and waiting..................................

for BritneySpears.com to load and let me in. Want proof? Check this picture out. Stuck at 68or about fifteen minutes now. This woman is worth eighteen bajillion dollars. You'd think she could afford a website that actually works. I swear, I'm going to kill her. I hate her so much, I'm not even going to rape her like I would to any other woman I plan on killing. Wait, strike that. I'm not going to kill her. If I become famous for something, I don't want to be famous for that. I mean, having my name linked with that cunt for the rest of my like just would not be cool. Becoming the "King of Rusty Trombones" has some dignity in it. Sure, you're rimmin' a guy while jerking him off, but you don't have to be ashamed about it. You can walk tall. Killing Britney Spears? I'd rather have my balls slowly disolved with boric acid.

That's right. I said it. Boric acid. Do Something!

From that picture, you can tell that I was listening to NOFX's White Trash. It's a pretty fantabulous album. Plus, you can see that I have msn messenger. Talk about an annoying program that I would normally just get rid of, but from time to time, I need it. Every time I login to my email, it opens up. Goddamn microsoft and their goddamn ruling of the world.

You might have noticed that I'm using Internet Explorer. You might be saying to yourself, or out loud if you're like me "Jym, if you hate Microsoft so much, why are you using their product?" I'm glad you asked. I use it because it's available and it works for everything. Microsoft is the QUANTITY to Linux's QUALITY.

Does it matter if I have a great car that runs on uranium if I can't get any uranium? That's my metaphor for why I don't use Linux. What percentage of products are developed for it? By what I see in stores, just under zero percent.

So, this is like my millionth flog and I still haven't spoken of my disdain of cell phones. Maybe I hate them because they are annoying, pretentious and a waste of technology. Maybe I hate them because I don't have one and that means that I, again, am not like the cool people and therefore, not as good. Society has a way of creating more ways of making someone less than cool. Or, maybe I'm right when I say that cell phones are the symbols of what's wrong with society. Everyone wants what they don't need because someone else has something they don't need. It's not like the microwave, which is something you don't need, but it makes everyone's lives better. Cell phones don't make my life better. Even if I had one, it wouldn't make my life better.

Follow me on this one.

Q:Why do I have a phone?
A:To talk to people. To get news quickly. To make plans.

Q:When do you need to make plans?
A:When there's nothing to do.

Q:Where are you at when there's nothing to do?
A:Home.

Q:Where are you when you're doing something?
A:Sometimes at home, but usually somewhere else.

Q:If you're already out, why would you need to make plans?
A:Um.... you got me on that one.

Q:Is there any reason why you would need to be reached when you aren't at home?
A:An emergency.

Q:Of every cell phone call ever received, how many have been of the "emergency" type?
A:Seven.

Q:Seven percent?
A:No. Seven. Total. Ever.

Q:So, what's the point of cell phones?
A:To show how popular you are to people you don't know who just want to enjoy the Star Wars movie where fucking Yoda fights a lightsaber battle. Goddamn you annoying people and your cell phones!!! Yoda is fighting and you just have to take a very important phone call from your boyfriend's sister's step-cousin who's asking if the movie's any good. I hate ALL of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jesus, could anything ruin Yoda fighting a lightsaber battle? Yes. Apparently, the muzak version of Who Let the Dogs Out?

Now, did this girl (How many knew it was a girl? If you didn't, you lose a million points.) hurry up and turn off her phone? Nope. She had an entire conversation. What did she talk about? She talked about the movie and how Yoda was fighting. She had no idea that she was a moron and ruining the scene for all of us geeks. I mean, Yoda fighting with a lightsaber is a geek's wet dream realized on film. I'm not even a huge Star Wars fan and I was still wiping the precum from the tip of my tiny, flacid penis when this horrible, horrible person had to be a moron and NOT turn off her cell phone like any non-monogloid would have done. I mean, there's a warning before the movie. Plus, it's been years since cell phones were invented. You'd think people would learn some sort of etiquette, but I forgot, people are retarded.

Can you see why I have no hope at all for the human race? In fact, I have the exact opposite of hope. I have hatred and a desire to see the entire human race die out. We are the worst disease ever to be unleashed on the universe, next to ebola.

Ebola will fuck you up. Humans will ruin your life. Ebola ends it by liquifying your internal organs. Humans will just shoot you in the face. Which is more painful? I'll give you a hint. It's more painful to have your liver turn into a new flavor of margarine. Trust me.

Well, I have decided to stop with my bile for the time being. I came really close to blacking out and doing something that's probably illegal in at least 46 states. So, it's probably best that I try to calm down and fondle my sweater.

I meant, I'm going to fondue a cheddar.

Tell them Gene!