What Does It All Mean?
So, the past few days have been pretty hectic for me. Of course, when I look at what others have been going thru, I consider myself lucky. But, this is my gay little journal, so I'm going to be selfish and talk about me. If you don't like it, you can get out.
I had plans to go see George Carlin this Thursday in State College. It turns out Mr. Carlin is having some heart problems so the show got postponed to February 24th. That's fine by me. It will be a lot more lighthearted affair than it would be this week.
Instead of going to see George Carlin (which I can't anyhow, luckily) I have to go to my cousin's funeral. For those of you that know about it already, then you know what I'm talking about. Anyone who doesn't already know, chances are you don't know for a reason and this stupid gournal is not the place for you to find out.
Anyhow, I found out about the entire episode on Sunday about an hour or so after the Steelers put a hurting on the Colts. My sister knew about it most of the day, but was decent enough to let my father find out after the game. She wanted to at least be happy during the game. After she told us about everything that happened I didn't know what to think. Of everyone in our entire family, she always seemed like the most level headed one. She was crazy, but we were all crazy in our own way. I started thinking of the many other family members I thought would go before she would. Hell, I'm surprised I'm still around myself.
Anyhow, the past two days I've had the knot in my stomach that always shows up whenever someone passes away. But, like every other time, I'm not as affected as I should be. I mean, I'm upset and bummed out and all that stuff, but as far as my emotional state, I'm more or less normal. I was the same way when my grandmother died a few years ago. I feel bad, but I don't let it bother me. And that bothers me. I know I'm the uncaring asshole that I appear to be, but what other explanation is there? I know I have a pretty laidback view towards death, but to be totally unaffected by it frightens me. That's why I hope no one I know is ever murdered because I'd be the perfect suspect because I wouldn't the type of sadness that an innocent person should show.
My feelings on death are as follows: Death ain't so bad. I see death as the reward for having lived. Eternal rest is hardly the worst thing that can happen to someone. I know that I don't really fear being dead. I fear dying, but dying is scarey as shit. Going to sleep and never waking up doesn't scare me. Being alive and then knowing that you're going to slowly die gives me the willies. It's that slow pain that scares me. This coming from a guy who's tried to kill himself before. It ain't the final curtain that's so scarey, it's the goddamn traffic getting home that's the bitch.
Anyhow, one-way ticket back from Tangenttown, please.
Where was I? I don't know, but I'm going to just start with this. I have a wake on Thursday and a funeral on Friday. Should be creepy as hell. I find the whole ritual of death to be way creepier than the actual thing. But, I guess that for some people it's a way to cope. That's not such a bad thing. For me, it's just creepy. But I'm going to deal with it because I have to. Anything little thing I can do to help, I'll do. This is one of those little things. Just so I have this on record, though, whenever I die, please, no funerals. No wakes. No graveyard. No urn. Just burn me up, put me in a Tupperware dish and scatter my ashes somewhere. If you have to have a get together of some sort, please, no dress clothes. Jeans and t-shirts only. I don't want anyone doing anything for my expense. Just go to a bar and have a few drinks. That's all I ask.
Well, I've now lost track of any sort of point I was trying to make. Let's just put it this way. Things suck right now. Things are going to suck for the next few days. And to all of my friends and family, I love you all more than you know and more than I'll show. Just because I'm cold heartless bastard doesn't mean that I don't care. I just don't get all worked up about it.
Anyhow, until next time, this is me wasting your time.
I had plans to go see George Carlin this Thursday in State College. It turns out Mr. Carlin is having some heart problems so the show got postponed to February 24th. That's fine by me. It will be a lot more lighthearted affair than it would be this week.
Instead of going to see George Carlin (which I can't anyhow, luckily) I have to go to my cousin's funeral. For those of you that know about it already, then you know what I'm talking about. Anyone who doesn't already know, chances are you don't know for a reason and this stupid gournal is not the place for you to find out.
Anyhow, I found out about the entire episode on Sunday about an hour or so after the Steelers put a hurting on the Colts. My sister knew about it most of the day, but was decent enough to let my father find out after the game. She wanted to at least be happy during the game. After she told us about everything that happened I didn't know what to think. Of everyone in our entire family, she always seemed like the most level headed one. She was crazy, but we were all crazy in our own way. I started thinking of the many other family members I thought would go before she would. Hell, I'm surprised I'm still around myself.
Anyhow, the past two days I've had the knot in my stomach that always shows up whenever someone passes away. But, like every other time, I'm not as affected as I should be. I mean, I'm upset and bummed out and all that stuff, but as far as my emotional state, I'm more or less normal. I was the same way when my grandmother died a few years ago. I feel bad, but I don't let it bother me. And that bothers me. I know I'm the uncaring asshole that I appear to be, but what other explanation is there? I know I have a pretty laidback view towards death, but to be totally unaffected by it frightens me. That's why I hope no one I know is ever murdered because I'd be the perfect suspect because I wouldn't the type of sadness that an innocent person should show.
My feelings on death are as follows: Death ain't so bad. I see death as the reward for having lived. Eternal rest is hardly the worst thing that can happen to someone. I know that I don't really fear being dead. I fear dying, but dying is scarey as shit. Going to sleep and never waking up doesn't scare me. Being alive and then knowing that you're going to slowly die gives me the willies. It's that slow pain that scares me. This coming from a guy who's tried to kill himself before. It ain't the final curtain that's so scarey, it's the goddamn traffic getting home that's the bitch.
Anyhow, one-way ticket back from Tangenttown, please.
Where was I? I don't know, but I'm going to just start with this. I have a wake on Thursday and a funeral on Friday. Should be creepy as hell. I find the whole ritual of death to be way creepier than the actual thing. But, I guess that for some people it's a way to cope. That's not such a bad thing. For me, it's just creepy. But I'm going to deal with it because I have to. Anything little thing I can do to help, I'll do. This is one of those little things. Just so I have this on record, though, whenever I die, please, no funerals. No wakes. No graveyard. No urn. Just burn me up, put me in a Tupperware dish and scatter my ashes somewhere. If you have to have a get together of some sort, please, no dress clothes. Jeans and t-shirts only. I don't want anyone doing anything for my expense. Just go to a bar and have a few drinks. That's all I ask.
Well, I've now lost track of any sort of point I was trying to make. Let's just put it this way. Things suck right now. Things are going to suck for the next few days. And to all of my friends and family, I love you all more than you know and more than I'll show. Just because I'm cold heartless bastard doesn't mean that I don't care. I just don't get all worked up about it.
Anyhow, until next time, this is me wasting your time.
posted by Jym Is Cool at 11:17 PM
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