Want to know how small my penis is?

Well, if you do, you can slide it down your throat and then measure how far it went in. But, seriously...

It's Friday night and I think I'm dying. I've had this annoying sore throat for the past week and now I'm sneezing a million times a day. Plus, I'm starting to get that tickly cough you get right before your lungs decide to become a twenty-four hour a day mucus factory. That should make this weekend super fun. But, with me, aren't all weekends fun?

Answer: No

So, I'm going to see Bad Religion in a week. That should be super kick ass. Nevermind the fact that Pennywise will also be there. It's going to be a kick ass weekend. I get to see all my friends from Pittsburgh, but I'm also going to be very, very intoxicated. I have fifteen Darvosets that says I'm getting seriously messed up. Maybe I'll die. Oh well, I won't be missing much.

I just got the new Al Franken book. It's pretty darn good. It's called "The Truth: With Jokes" and the title says it all. I recommend it for everyone who gives a shit about politics. Whether you're a liberal or a conservative, you should read this book. Or don't. See if I give a shit.

You know what I hate? Well, are you going to guess? For Christ's sake, take a fucking guess. God dammit, you people who don't guess. You make life shittier than normal. But, I'm glad you assholes didn't guess because it makes a nice segue into talking about what I hate. People. Most of all, women. Also, I hate men. I hate just about everyone. But, the reason for hating men is too simple. They are fat, hairy douche bags who don't deserve the superiority that they love to throw around. I hate anyone with a weiner. That's a pretty simple reason. Now women...

There's a delicate sandstorm to navigate. I hate women for so many reasons. They are just as assholistic as men, but somehow we don't seem to notice it. Why don't we notice it? Breasts. Plain and simple. If it wasn't for breasts, I wouldn't find myself doing such stupid things to impress them. If it wasn't for breasts, I would get so god damn depressed when I see a super rad girl dating some jerkoff. If it wasn't for breasts, I wouldn't end up being the guy that girls come to when they need a girlfriend, but I'm the only one around.

How depressing is it that I'm one step away from being a woman? I mean, women treat me like I'm a woman. Maybe I should go the final yard and get my boys chopped off. Then I just need to start tucking. Then maybe I'll start getting invited to Girls Only Nights. Oh wait, I already get that. Lucky me.

Could I be anymore pathetic?

Answer: No.