Who Died and Made You Suck?

The moral of the story is that you shouldn't eat an entire Crockpot full of chili in one day's time.

Don't go and think that I actually did that or anything. I only had a few small bowls of chili and it caused some havoc in my digestive system. I can only imagine what eating five quarts of chili would do to someone. I swear that I just lost fifteen pounds. The funny thing is, I make my chili pretty damn mild. If I had added even a drop of hot sauce, I'd probably be lying on the bathroom floor in the fetal position. Call me a pussy, but I am one.

Foster, I know you're reading this because dammit, my blogs are your heroin. Anyhow, I'm about twenty entries behind on yours because dammit, you wrote three novels a day on your damn thing. I'm slow. I hate reading. Deal with it.

I'm not sure when the last time I wrote in this stupid thing was, but I'm pretty sure that I didn't mention the Steelers winning the Super Bowl. Seriously, if some of you didn't know already ready, they won it. It was pretty anti-climatic. I was hoping for either a super tight game the whole way or one of the teams to run away with it. It turns out that both teams kind of sucked. The Steelers just so happened to have three big plays and that was all they needed. Plus, a few calls that went their way. Granted, by the strict rules of the game, none of the calls were wrong, but they were just kind of cheap calls that shouldn't have been called, but whatever. My team won. Take that shithead.

I had to work today. That's right. I had to work on a Saturdday. What a bunch of shit. I had to get up at 5:15AM. Luckily, I only fell asleep at 2AM, so good for me. My eyes burn so fucking much right now that I want to rip them out of my head. I did invent a technique for resting your eyes that will keep you from falling asleep while doing so. Now, I'm not sure if I actually invented it, but I never knew of this until I just randomly did it one night and it worked. Are you ready for this? Just rest one eye at a time. It's not as refreshing as resting both of them at the same time, but it does keep you from falling asleep. I know, I know... I'm a friggin' genius. I actually figured this thing out a few weeks ago, but today at work I perfected it. My eyes felt like they were the size of softballs. Plus, they burned like someone poured jalepeno garlic sauce in them. It was not fun. Luckily, I had a Snickers and it really satisfied.

Speaking of work, to keep myself from committing suicide, I tend to let my imagination wander. I'll think about movie ideas or things I should put in my book. I'll think about anything. Yesterday I started thinking up song titles. I have a list of twenty and it's my job to write songs for all of these titles and then hopefully start a band to perform them. If you're a musician and want to help me out, let me know. Here is the list of songs:

1.) Carpe Poon
2.) (I'll Awalys Hate) California
3.) Valentine's Day is for Assh*les
4.) Don't Mention It
5.) We've Never Met (But I Bet You're An Asshole)
6.) I Hate Sellouts Because I'm Not One...Yet
7.) Selling Out Is My Business...And Business It Good
8.) Jesus H. Hitler
9.) Thank God I'm An Atheist
10.) I Pledge a Grievance
11.) Back When Metallica Used to Rock
12.) Jawbreaker, We Need You More Than Ever
13.) Rock Out With Your Cock In, Please
14.) Jumping the Shark With This One
15.) Jerking Off to My High School Yearbook
16.) Freedumb's Just Another Word for Nothing Left to Learn
17.) You Toucha My Car, I Breaka You Face
18.) Eating Out Without Leaving the House
19.) Go Get Fucked
20.) The Gift That Keeps on Giving

So, I'm up to like 67 people in my list of friends. I didn't even know that I knew that many people. I might have to delete some people so I don't start thinking I'm actually popular or something.

You know what I just thought of? I've had this thought before, but for some reason it just popped into my head. You know how everyone knows a few people only from the internet. You know, you randomly meet someone who's from Australia or something and you only talk to them thru email or whatnot. Well, if that person were to die, how would you ever know? You wouldn't. You would just think they were ignoring you for no reason and then you'd think they were a dick. But, they're not a dick, they're worm food. And it's not like someone can pop on their account and let everyone know that they're dead. I mean, it's called a password numbnuts. Luckily, I'm not going to give a shit if someone thinks I'm an asshole because I'm dead. And I already think everyone's an asshole anyhow, so it doesn't matter if someone replies to me or not.

I really don't know where that came from, but I never know where anything that I write on this pointless thing comes from. I tend to just write whatever comes to mind which, with me, means it's pretty goddamn random.

Lately, I've been really getting into lyrics of songs. Songs that I didn't really care for a few years ago are now some of my favorite because of lyrics that I either identify with or lyrics that I didn't know were that good to begin with. The Clash is a great example of a band with wonderful lyrics that you never really pay attention to so some of their non-hits don't seem as good. But, after reading thru most of their lyrics I've really come to like their lesser known songs even more than their wonderful hits. In fact, if I wasn't so goddamn depressed all the time and if I was one of those people who was always positive, well, I'd probably kill myself. But, if I decided to stay alive, I would make the song I'm Not Down my personal anthem. It's just so goddamn uplifting. God damn you Clash. You are wonderful songwriting assholes. If I were a drinking man, I would drink a shitload of beer right now in your honor. Actually, I'd pour a 40 in honor of Joe Strummer, but let's face it. I'm not going to buy a 40 and if I did, I wouldn't pour it on the street. That's called stupid. Just pour water and pretend it's beer. It's cheaper and you can still get drunk. See? I'm so smart. S-M-R-T Smart!

London Calling is slowly becoming my new favorite "Any Kind of Party" album. My favorite is still 40 oz. to Freedom by Sublime. I mean, you can throw those two albums on during a beer drinking frenzy or during a mellow backyard BBQ. Try throwing on one of those two albums and just about anyone with brains will either tell you it's a great choice or, better yet, they won't notice it at all because it fits the mood so well. You assholes know I'm right.

Well, I'm done. I've written way too much. All this shit is just a waste of time anyhow.

Ladies, give me a holler!