This is the Last Blog I Will Ever Write

"Hey Franky, aren't you gonna give me your class ring?"
"Oh, I'm afraid I can't do that Annett"
"Why not?"
"Cause I don't have any arms!" - "Beach Party Vietnam" by The Dead Milkmen

I have finally finished narrowing down the thirty best Dead Milkmen songs. Wait, let me rephrase that. I've narrowed it down to my thirty favorite. Some of their best songs just aren't that fun. "Beach Party Vietnam" is a horrible song, but dammit, it's fun as balls.

Since I always thought that english was a stupid fucking class in high school, I have now forgotten exactly how you highlight different titles. I know you highlight a song title differently than an album title. And I think those are both different than movies or books. You either italicize them, make them bold or use some "quotation" marks. I'm too lazy to actually figure it out.

You know what really sucks? I got my disability check today so that means that I actually have a few dollars that I can spend. That doesn't suck, but what does suck is being home alone all weekend with a few hundred dollars that doesn't have to be spent on bills. I'd really like to buy some milk. Maybe some kind of meat so I can make a fucking sandwich.

Stratego is a kick ass game. Why don't I own it?

I just made a decision. I'm going to stop writing so many goddamn blog entries. I realized that trying to validate my life by waiting for people to comment on my incoherent rants is pointless. Not so much pointless as it's just not working. That means I'm going to find some other way to prove that i'm a worthwhile human being.

Wish me luck!

The Meaning of Life....

It's been two whole days since I last blogged. You're probably not wondering if something is wrong with me. Well, the answer to the question you never asked is "No." You can stop your worrying. There's no need to send out those care packages that I'm sure you all made up last night. Take all of the stuff back to the store. Except for the 3-pack of Fruit of the Loom boxers. Those I can use. I'm too lazy to do laundry.

Now, I promised you the meaning of life in the title of this entry. Well, actually I didn't promise anything, but I know how you assholes like to assume things. That's why I am, in fact, going to tell you all the meaning of life. Are you ready for it? Are you sitting down? Do you have socks on? Well, if you don't, put some on. This is going to knock them off. Here goes. The meaning of life is there's no meaning at all.

Is your mind blown?

That's it. Life isn't anything special. In fact, life is a zero-sum game. Before you're living, you're nothing. After you're dead, you're nothing. No matter what you do or what you gain while alive you will end up with nothing. It's kind of depressing, but at the same time it's kind of satisfying in a weird way. I think it might make dying a little easier knowing that you're not the only person who's going to die. Fred Durst is going to die. All of his money and horrible music will not save him. He isn't better than me. Well, I didn't need my "life has no meaning" theory to tell me that one. Just listen to him talk. He's a fucking douche bag.

I've been wondering. How can I be so different from all of the guys that I work with and somehow still get along with most of them? I don't understand it. I work in a factory filled with guys who are married, have kids, are quasi-racist and semi-homophobic. Everyone knows that I'm not married, I have no kids and I am totally homophobic and racist. Don't even put me in the same room with a fagger. (That's "fag" and "nigger" combined. I told you that I'm homophobic AND racist.)

For those of you that don't understand sarcasm, well, just try harder.

What the fuck is up with people ignoring me? It's whack. Everytime I try to talk to someone on AIM they don't fucking answer. Or they all of a sudden are "Away" or they log off all together. Am I that lame that people can't even pretend to like me for two minutes? Fucking people. No wonder why I'm so racist. I think I should really practice my sexism.

Seriously, though. Fuck you. If you don't want to talk to me just tell me you're busy or be a fucking man, grow some balls and tell me you don't want to talk to me anymore. I will only stab you two or three times.

I think that I do a pretty good job of helping people out when they need it. I think I even do a pretty good job of entertaining people. so, why the fuck doesn't anyone want to talk to me? I don't mind being disliked. I'm used to it. High school did prepare me pretty well for being disliked. I had four years of pretty intense training. I can handle someone not liking me. What I can't handle is someone lying to me. That shit sends me in a flying rage. Well, maybe not a flying rage. I'm pretty lazy. I guess it's more of a "stewing" rage. I just sit here and stew in my anger. Then after a few months I finally talk to the person, they pretend to apologize and then I fully forgive them only to go thru the same exact thing two months later. Fucking people. I hate you.

You know what the best part of being a liberal is? The best part is hating America first thing in the morning. There's nothing I love more than waking up, hating America and then eating a doughnut for breakfast. The only thing that might come close to hating America is fighting in the culture war. You know how we liberals just love war. There's nothing better than attacking our culture. Actually, there is. Attacking Christmas! Now there's something we liberals can't stand. Down with Christmas! You'd think that hating America and fighting TWO different wars would really keep us liberals busy. Well, you're wrong. We also give aid to terrorists. Not only that, but we also kill babies. That takes a lot out of us liberals and that's why we try to relax a lot instead of standing up against George W. Bush and his fucked up policies. We are just too tired and too stressed.

Well, that's enough for now. I'll be sure to be ignored by you all sometime later today.

Fuck you, AmeriKKKa! (How "punk rock" is that?)

If I Were Happy, Would I Like Myself?

That question just dawned on me. I'm what you might call a pretty morose motherfucker. I pretty much hate every second of my life. If it weren't for certain friends and family, I wouldn't think twice about killing myself. Death doesn't scare me. Ruining someone's day does, though. Anyhow, that's not the point of this.

The point is, I think I'm a pretty rad person with a pretty unrad life. I know I'm a loser, but I still think I'm pretty rad. Here's my dilemna. If I were to one day wake up and be happy, and I mean truly happy, would I like the person that I would become? Would I miss the old depressed me? Would I even remember that I liked who I was? That's why I never tried to get medication for my sadness, well, other than vodka and valium.

I know quite a few people who are on meds and they don't seem to be a different person than when they are off them. Well, they are different in that they aren't depressed, but they still seem to have the same personality. I always worried that if I were to go on zoloft or something then my sense of humor would change or even my taste in movies, music and people would all change. Part of what I don't hate about myself is the fact that I have a handful of friends, but those friends are way better than other person on the planet, cept for my dad. He's aces.

What am I trying to say with all of this? I'm not really sure. It's just shit that's been going thru my head lately. Not that anyone really cares the stupid shit I have to say, but maybe some day I'll read some of this stupid shit and think "Wow, I was a huge fucking loser." and that will somehow make me laugh. That's me. I love to laugh at people's misfortunes, even my own.

Let me give you a piece of advice, though. If you ever decide to drink yourself to death, remember to not do it at someone else's house. That's just mean and it will make you rethink your decision. So, always drink yourself to death at your own house, preferably alone. Also, make sure you drink enough to kill you. Don't drink until you're going to throw up. That's your body's way of telling you that you haven't had enough. Just drink and drink and drink and take some pills. Those help.

Spread the word and your buttcheeks. The search is about to begin.

Fuck you all.

My Chocolate Randomness Attack!

The Jetsons is set in the year 2062. That's about 56 years away. It seems to me that we need get working on flying cars and traveling around in tubes. I doube that we'll be able to have everything ready by 2062. We need to pick up the pace a little bit. Christ, why couldn't we have been working on this stuff 40 years ago? It would be sweet to fly around the world and when I finally get to where I need to be, I can just get sucked into a tube and land at the exact place I need to be. Moving sidewalks everywhere would also be pretty sweet. Not to mention the two-day work week. That's what I hate about television. It feeds you a bunch of false hopes and dreams. All TV does is lie.

Look at the Flintstones. I don't think that show is 100ccurate. Of course, I wasn't there, so I really wouldn't know.

Speaking of not knowing what I'm talking about, but having an opinion anyway, what's the deal with NASA? Why the fuck are we spending money to go to the moon? Sending satellites out in space might seem important, but couldn't we find something a little more important to spend the billions and billions of dollars on? How can you tell a homeless man that we can't help him because we have to send some people to the moon? "Sorry soldier. We would love to give you some armor, but you see, the moon is just too important." Apparently, there might be oil up there. Let's hope so. Now, I understand that a lot of the research that's been put into NASA has given us some important things, but have we found the cure for AIDS or cancer in space? I didn't think so. I'm just as curious about the universe as the next guy, but really, I think it's time we lay NASA to rest. "Thanks for Velcro and Tang, now it's time for you leave. It's been fun."

So, abortion, huh? What's with all the fuss? I keep getting more and more bulletins about how evil abortion is and then more and more bulletins saying that abortion isn't so bad. Whatever. I don't really care anymore. I think the whole debate is fucking pointless. Know why? No one will EVER change their mind about the issue. Either you're pro-killing babies or anti-woman. Either way you're a jerk. I think that's what gets in my craw the most; the fact that neither side can see or understand the other side's point of view. God forbid if a churchgoing Christian thinks about the pro-choice argument and sees where they are coming from. And god forbid is some Jesus hating rugmuncher see where the pro-lifers are coming from. I mean, if you believe that life starts at conception (some feel that sperm and eggs are not only a great breakfast, but also where life starts) then why wouldn't you think that abortion is murder? I mean, forget about whether or not the argument for life starting at conception is valid or not and realize that if you accept that life starts at conception then abortion would, in fact, be murder. I mean, you can't really argue against it. But, look at the other side. An embryo is hardly viable in the first three months (when most abortions are performed) so why shouldn't it be flushed out of the system? Women do it naturally all the time. Would you call any woman that's had more than one period a serial killer? Of course not. So, let's just all agree that if an abortion is to be performed, then the first three months would be the best time to do it since all that's in the womb is a mass of cells that wouldn't survive more than a nanosecond on the outside. I think even the most pro-life person would agree with that. It's when you get to around month six that things start to get a little hairy. Around that time most fetuses could survive popping out. That's where even the most pro-choice person should sit back and think a little bit. The leaves the middle three months for us to argue about. I really think that if we could keep abortion in the first 3 months absolutely legal and then kind of restricted it after the pregnancy hit the six month mark, then we could all agree on that. I mean, not everyone's happy, but isn't that what a democracy is all about? Just for the record, I'm uber pro-choice. I think that abortion should legal all the way into the 20th trimester. That's right, up until the kid is five years old. I'm that pro-choice. Take that!

I just realized that I probably sound like an idiot in that last section. Mostly because I decided not to reread it at all. I don't care if it kind of all jumbles together or not. I'm not changing it.

Speaking of god, which we weren't, I've wondering for quite some time now why doesn't god talk to people anymore? If you read the bible, which I don't, you'll notice that every two pages god is telling someone what to do. If he was as talkative now as he was then I'd be willing to bet that every last asshole on this planet would be in church every day of the week. Everybody would be donating every last cent they earn so the priests will be able to drink from platinum goblets and eat only the finest slices of meat in hopes that these men of god would put in a good word. Of course, that always brings me back to the point I've been making since I was eight years old. If god is everywhere and he sees and hears everything then why do I have to go to church? Can't I sit in my room and talk to him there? And if god is all powerful, why doesn't he give all of the churches all of the money they could ever need so they won't have to try to take it from us working stiffs? Yeah, I used the phrase "working stiffs" when I was eight. Deal with it. Anyhow, what was my point? Oh yeah, if god exists you'd think he'd take some people aside and other them some insider information. Oh wait, I think he does. The only problem is, maybe we think they're crazy. That's another thing that bothers me. When some guy says that he's Jesus, these Christian assholes call him a heretic and say he's insane. Wait, haven't you been saying for 2,000 years that Jesus was supposed to come back? Shouldn't you treating this guy with a little more respect? If you believe so much then you shouldn't be so judging of the guy. Besides, that's god's job, remember? where was I? Oh yeah, god should start letting people know that he's around. It would raise attendance and I'm sure it would lower the crime rate quite a bit. I know I'd stop jerking off so much.

No I wouldn't.

I was listening to my David Cross album a few days ago and I heard one of my favorite lines. I'm going to try to quote it right now. "If you don't believe in evolution, give a camera to an elderly man and to a monkey and watch them go. The monkey tries to use the camera, but can't and then he throws his poo. The elderly man can't use the camera and he doesn't throw his poo. That's evolution." That's nowhere near the actually quote, but during it he acts out what the man and the monkey do, so I just turned the actions into some words, but you get the fucking idea. Anyhow, anyone who doesn't believe in evolution is a moron. There is so much evidence that it's retarded. Some people refuse to believe, though, because they think that the bible is the ultimate truth. Well, sorry, folks, that book was written two thousand years ago. It was written in a dead language and then translated into other dead languages and those translations were changed on a whim by whatever king was in power at the time and it all filters down to what we have now. How many different versions are there now? Too many to count. Well, not really, but I'm too lazy to actually find out. My point is, is one bible more true than another? I hardly think so. That alone should give you pause to think the bible is the ultimate truth. Here's the thing, though. You can still believe that god created the universe and still believe in evolution. It's easy. Think of the bible as a book of morals and stories to convey those morals. Most sane people would agree that's the main purpose of the bible. Hell, most priests I know are confortable with that explanation of the bible. If it works for them then it should work for you. Now, evolution is a wonderful theory. It explains quite a bit. It explains how we got here, not to mention why we got here. The biggest problem that ignorant people tend to have is that they don't want to think that they are decendants of monkeys. Well, think what you want, but it doesn't change the truth. Their biggest argument is "If we came from monkeys then why are monkeys still here?" Actually, that's a good question. The answer is even better. Evolutional theory doesn't claim that we came from monkeys. In fact, it claims we don't come from monkeys. It claims that millions of years ago some species of mammal split into two groups. One group lived in the trees and evolved into modern day monkeys. The other group lived on the ground somewhere in Africa and started walking upright and eventually evolved into homosapians. That's us. We came from some species that turned into humans and monkeys. It's pretty simple, actually. I'm amazed that it took so long for someone to figure it all out. Thank evolution for Darwin!

Violence Rules. Wait, let me rephrase that. In theory violence rules. I really love seeing stuff blowing up and I really like to see people get hurt, but one they do, I feel bad. That's why, in theory, violence rules. Take 9/11 for example. When I first saw the building on fire, I though to myself "That is fucking awesome!" After I saw the second plane hit, I immediately realized that I was a dick for thinking that. And even when the buildings collapsed, I thought "That is fucking awesome!" OF course, I didn't mean that it was awesome that people had died, but just the scene of seeing two building fall to the ground is pretty cool. It's only when you take it out of theory and into reality that you see how horrible violence can be. Once I realized that people were dead and that families were broken, I knew that it was horrible. I don't know if I'm explaining it all right, but I'm sure a few of you understand what I'm trying to say. If you don't, maybe this will help. When I play Grand Theft Auto, I think it's awesome to load up on ammo and just start shooting people. I think it's great, but I know that if some asshole does that in real life, then they are an asshole. I really wish I wasn't so tired so I could explain it better, but that's what I get for writing this on three minutes of sleep.

Well, I'm going to go since I can't keep my eyes open anymore.

Why Do Ugly People Like Me Put Their Pictures On the Internet?

Why is it that ugly people always put their picture on the internet? Is it because they are oblivious to their ugliness? Or do they actually think they are attractive? I do it because I don't care either way. It just bugs me because you know that some of these hideous looking guys and girls think they are "the shit" when it's obvious to anyone who isn't blind that they are without the "the"... making them just "shit." As a favor to us all, if you're ugly, take your picture down. It's called common courtesy. That's why I don't take my shirt off when other people are around. I care.

It's weird. I've gotten a few people to add me for no real reason. Either they haven't actually read my profile or they think I'm being hilarious. Okay, it's true, I am hilarious, but I'm also serious when I say that I hate you. Yes, you. Not the guy behind you, but you. I hate everyone on this planet, but people seem to keep ignoring that. I guess that's okay, though. I've actually made a few friends that way. I just think it's weird that people just assume that I don't mean them when I write my angry vitriol and spew my bile of hate.

Right now I'm going thru all eight Dead Milkmen albums so I can compile the ultimate "Best Of..." but it's pretty damn hard. Right now I have about twenty songs that have made the prelimenary cut and I've only listened to the first three albums. I'm probably going to end up with forty songs or so. That's way too long for a "Best Of..." They should be limited to two or three songs per album, but I always have trouble cutting out songs. I'm a pussy, I know.

So, who wants to go see the Larry the Cable Guy Movie with me? I'm serious about this. I want to go see it in theatres for two reasons. First off, I would really like to see what may be the worst movie ever in theatres. I mean, how many people can say that they saw Plan Nine from Outer Space while it was in theaters? Not too many. I want to be able to say that I saw the dumbest movie ever made. Mostly, though, I want to make fun of the people who went because they love Larry the Cable Guy. I want to sit there and scream "Say It" throughout the entire film until he finally says "Git-R-Dun" and then I can scream "Hooray" and then get up and walk out. I find that to be hilarious. Or I want to at least pull an MST3K on it. Then I'd want to go eat a nice meal at Eat-N-Park. Sounds like a wonderful evening to me.

It would beat jerking off... again.

Lucky for me The Simpsons is going to be around until at least 2009. King of the Hill is also coming back for another season. FOX apparently got my message. No Simpsons and no King of the Hill make Jym go something, something...

Go crazy?

Don't mind if I do!!!

Apparently the director of X-Men 3 did such a wonderful job that whatever FOX Studios offered him the Wolverine spin-off. I hope he did well enough to deserve it because that means I will shit my pants more than I did during X-2. Of course, when I went to see it, I had the flu and I had just eaten some tacos with laxatives on them, but trust me, it was mostly how awesome the movie was that made me poo.

Well, now that I've just turned off every girl that's reading this... oh, who am I kidding? No girls read this. Atleast no girls that would be turned on by me... but for those few girls that came here thinking that it was Brad Pitt's gournal, well, I apologize. Lucky for you, I'm finished.

I'm horny. Bye.