Umlauts make the world a better place...

I just figured out how to type an umlaut using my keyboard and the rest of my computer.

It's Übertastic!

That's all. I'm lame.

Fuck This World

It's hotter here than it is in Florida. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!

This is bullshit. Global warming my ass. How about global fucking meltdown!

St. Marys, PA which is half a mile or so above sea level, therefore, meaning it should be cooler than lower elevations is hotter, way hotter than Florida. That's right, Florida which IS sea level and a thousand and some odd miles south is cooler than Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania, which used to be known for cool and cloudy summers is now the heat belt of the country. This is BULLSHIT!!!

Suicide never looked so wonderful before.

Scientology Here I Come

With Katie Holmes converting to scientology and with other stars such as Tom Cruise and Jason Lee already members, I have decided to convert myself. I mean, I want to be famous and converting might just do the trick.

I am going to be ordering Scientology: The Fundamentals of Thought and I'm going to read it. I'm going to have an open mind. I'm going to do as much research as I can and then hopefully I'll be able to save the money needed to be enlightened. But, I figure for seven dollars, it must be worth the read. I mean, millions of people are scientologists. Why not me?

Hell, if it works even one millionth as much as it seems to work for most people, I might actually stick with it. I mean, I'm depressed and miserable all of the time, so I'll try anything.

That's all. Maybe in a few weeks I'll be crazy and believe weird shit, but I might just be happy and have a blockbuster movie opening sometime soon.

I can't make the damn phone ring...

It's simply pathetic if I call you anymore...

Never have truer words been written by someone other than myself or god. Of course, now that I think about it, god never actually wrote anything. So, I guess that just leaves me. Hear that god? Wait, you don't exist, so I guess you don't. Ha ha, I win!

Anyhow, back to my point. I've been listening to Lagwagon a lot lately. Especially their newest album. There's a song called I Must Be Hateful that starts out with the lines:

I can't make the damn phone ring.
It's simply pathetic if I call you anymore.

Those words ring very true for me. I was in love with a girl not too long ago and like clockwork I would call her every weekend. And like clockwork she would find someway to ditch me and do something more important like not talk to me. That's fine. I can understand. I hate talking to me, too. But, she fed me these lines about how great of a guy I am and what a great friend I was, but apparently not good enough for her to ever call me. The only time we would talk is if I call her. If we were dating (which we did for like two seconds) then I could understand that I should call her, but we're just friends. Isn't friendship a two-way street? Apparently not. It reminds me of a great line from a Plow United song.

"The last time that we talked was only cause I called." - Plow (R.I.P.)

Anyhow, every time I listen to that song, I think about how I tortured myself by allowing myself to be treated like poop by this girl. I've never been so in love with two lines from a song, ever. I'll sing those lines along to the song and I just wish I had the balls to sing them to her, but I doubt I'll ever see her again because I'm not good enough for her, I guess. Oh well, her loss. I always bought her stuff.

I might be buying a car. Finally. I have to take a look at the car, but apparently it runs well and it's only $500. That's a price I can handle without taking out a loan. I'll be finding out more this weekend. Keep your fingers crossed that it's a decent car so I can buy it and almost be a normal person.

New Lagwagon and Propagandhi albums out later this year. I love music!

Waging War

So, I'm reading Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk because it's a great fucking book. I mean, all of his books are great, but this one is really great. Actually, it's his fourth best book out of seven, but right now it's really resonating with me. Just to be a nerd and give a quick summary of the book, it's about a reporter who notices that a lullaby is killing people. It's actually a culling song found in a poetry book. He realizes it's potential to wipe out the entire population, so he goes on a mission to find all of the books that contain it and destroy them. Things don't go so well for him and the book explains what happens. It's really good, but my point is...

I've been listening to Blaze by Lagwagon a lot. And I mean a lot. It's either that or Sleepasaurus. But, mostly, it's Blaze. Anyhow, one day I started reading that book and I realized that a lot of the words in the book are very, very similiar to the lyrics of the song. After a few more pages, I noticed it was word for word. I mean, it was obviously the basis for the song. Then I realized how huge of a nerd I was.

I was happy that the guys in Lagwagon, people I don't know and will never meet, are fans of Chuck Palahniuk. I was happy. Do you understand what I'm saying? I was happy that people I like are fans of someone else I like. How fucking gay is that?

Answer: A Lot!

But, then I realized that I do that quite a bit. If I hear that an actor or a comedian or whoever is a fan of someone that I'm a fan of, or they have a certain political view or whatnot that I have, then I get happy. I don't like the person anymore than I did, but I just feel happy that they agree with me. I'm not one of those people that bases their opinion on what others think. If Kevin Smith says he hates the president, I don't change my opinion and start hating the president or anything, but since I hate the president to begin with, I become happy that someone I am a fan of agrees with me. Know what I mean? I feel that maybe, just maybe, I might meet him and since we like the same things then he'll befriend me and we'll get to hang out and talk about movies and shit. It's not going to happen and I know that, but deep down, my stupid daydreaming part wants it to be true. How gay am I?

Answer: Oodles.

So, I found out that Lagwagon has a new album on the way and I'm pretty stoked. If it's half as good as the newest one, then I'll be pretty disappointed, but it will still be better than anything My Chemical Romance has ever put out. Fuck those guys. But, seriously, if it's half as good as Blaze it will still be a pretty kick as album. So, I'm looking forward to that. And...

Kids in the Hall: Season Three is finally coming out. I have a boner already. All I have to do is pay the nice man on the internet sixty dollars and he will mail it to me. I'm going to do it because I'm lame and the Kids in the Hall got my thru my awkward teenage years, which sadly, are years I'm still going thru apparently. Wait, I was was less awkward when I was fifteen. I hate my life.

Well, I'm going because I'm tired and frankly, fuck you guys. Maybe tomorrow I'll talk about how my nickname should be Third Wheel. Won't that be fun?

Answer: No

I'm going to die alone

I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to die alone. It's rather depressing, but now that I've accepted it, it's not so bad. Granted, living to the ripe old age of thirty and still being single is going to suck, but I guess that's why God invented internet pornography.

Wait, God didn't invent internet porn? Then who did? Perverts?

Well, thank god for perverts.

But, seriously, it does get god damn lonely when you talk to people who are "so sick of relationships" but then two days later are in a relationship. How the fuck do you go from hating something to all of a sudden embracing it? It would be like me saying that I'm allergic to walnuts (which I am) and then tomorrow sitting down to eat a nice walnut salad. Or something to that effect.

Maybe it's just because I haven't been in an actual relationship since high school. Or maybe I'm one of those guys that the only important thing in life is to find someone, yet, I'm the one guy who can't. Meanwhile, most douche bag guys who would rather have one night stands end up in long term relationships. Granted, they are cheating constantly and treating their girlfriends like shit, but they at least have the option of cheating and treating someone like shit. I sit in my room and jerk off to stuff can hardly be labelled porn. I'm pathetic. Let's look at my relationship history.

First Girlfriend
Went out with her for two weeks. She got grounded for the whole summer so she broke up with me. Shouldn't it have happened the other way around? "Hey? You're grounded? For the entire summer? So, I won't get to see you for three months? Well, we need to talk..." Instead, she dumped me over the phone... by telling my cousin to tell me we were thru.

Second & Third Girlfriends
Dumped by all three after about two weeks after they cheated on me.

Fourth & First Girlfriend
I double dipped. Lost my virginity by being raped. Then got dumped after three weeks by having my friend tell me in school. When did this happen? The day after Valentine's Day. Technically, I was dumped on Valentine's Day. Talk about another reason to loathe that day.

Fifth Girlfriend
This one actually lasted past two weeks. In fact, it lasted for exactly two months and nineteen days. Am I lame that I still remember that? Am I lame that I knew it in the first place? Anyhow, she was pretty cool and she promised she would lose her virginity to me. She didn't. I think I'm owed a little something. Anyhow, she made out with one of my best friends. I forgave. Then she dumped me.

Sixth Girlfriend
I should call this Fifth Girlfriend Version 1.1 because I went back out with her after two weeks. She realized she made a huge mistake. Then I dumped her. How long did we date the second time? Two months and nineteen days. Why did I dump her? I dumped her so I could beat her to it. She was playing the "treat him like shit" card and I knew it. I put up with it for a week and then I called her on it and told her it was over. I hung up the phone, grabbed my discman, told my dad I'd be back later, went for a three hour walk and I cried. I cried like a little bitch. How fucking pathetic can one man get?

That was my last girlfriend. Ever. There are a few other girls that I'll run thru quickly now. I call them my three wild cards. Only one of which is actually worth remembering.

Wild Card 1
I'm not going to get into any names even though EVERYONE knows what happened with this one. She was dating one of my best friends. She meets me and thinks I'm pretty damn awesome. We hang out for months and months. That's all. Then one day she tells me that she wants to kiss me. I tell her no one will find out. (Yup, I'm a fucking asshole.) We kiss. And that was that.

Then a few months go by and she tells me she's dumping my friend. I assume that means she's fair game. We make out with each other for the next few weeks. Then she has a crisis of conscience and we stop.

Then a few more months go by and we start making out again. She tells me she's going to eventually break up with my friend, but she's waiting for the right time. I buy it hook, line and sinker because I have a dick. We make out for a few weeks and then she tells me she lost her virginity to my friend. I get pissed because she told me I would be her first. (That's TWO girls who promised me their virginity and I ended up with nothing.) Anyhow, we end up fucking every weekend I come home from school over that summer. (Yup, I'm a HUGE fucking asshole.) My friend finds out. He forgives us both like he's Jesus or something. She tells me never to talk to her again and then has her next two boyfriends try to kick my ass.

Wild Card 2
Okay, ..2 is the only one of the three girls that I don't get depressed thinking about. She was super awesome. I met her on the internet. Yes, it's gay, I know. I was just chatting with people from back home while I was living in State College. I started talking to her quite a bit and never thought anything of it because she was in a very long term relationship. They were engaged, I think. She invites me over to her friend's house during Christmas break. She's trying to hook me up with her friend. I go over and spend the night with the two of them. Her friend goes to sleep and we end up staying up all night just talking. At about 8am, we start making out. It was awesome. Her friend comes downstairs and for the next three hours we keep sneaking in kisses and what not. It was fun and it felt like I was fourteen or something.

Anyhow, we stay in touch somewhat and after a year of emailing and talking on the phone, we end up hooking up, but not actually going out. Just to show how fucking awesome this girl was (and still is, I'd imagine) she came over to see me, we started fucking. After about ninety minutes, she had to leave to go to a meeting. I hadn't finished. She had. A few times. I let her leave and I lay down to feel bad about myself. Two hours later she shows up back my house and drags me into bed so she can give me head. She felt bad that she came and I didn't so she went out of her way to finish me off. If I was smart I would have asked her to marry me right then and there. Instead, I didn't and she went off to college, met some lame guys and ignored me.

Wild Card 3
This is the one that pisses me off more than anything. I'm not going to get into the whole story because it's not worth it. Anyhow, this was semi-recent. I tell a girl that I've been in love with her for years. She tells me she loves me too. I say we should date and see what happens. She agrees. We never actually date. We hang out and kiss alot, but nothing really resembling dating. After about two months she just turns cold and decides to not tell me she doesn't want to date me. She lets me figure it out. I stay friends with her for a long time hoping that she'll change her mind. Then she stops calling me back. She stops making any time at all for me. She barely holds the phone to her ear while I talk. Then just acts as if I died or never existed. I'm worse than dirt to this girl. Maybe she thinks I'm AIDS or something. I don't fucking know, but whatever. I hope she fucking hates me. I hope she's not dead, but other than that, I don't care. If she can't even be a decent person to me then why should I care?

Well, that's my relationship history. Still wonder why I'm so fucking bitter? If you don't, you're a fucking moron. Vaginas are fucking evil and the women who own them aren't much better. I wish I were gay. Any takers?

I Wasn't a Big Enough Loser...

I was thinking a bit today and I noticed that I didn't feel as much as a loser as I normally do. Then it hit me. I haven't posted an actual flog in like fourteen years. I need my dose of loserness, or else I might actually start being cool. God forbid that I might get laid sometime this century.

What have I been up to lately? Well, I just got a super kick ass blast from the past in the mail a few days ago. Years ago, I owned a cd. I let someone borrow it in exchange for letting me borrow one of their cd's. What cd did I borrow? How about the second FAT comp. It's a pretty kick ass comp. And it only cost $4. I bought it, but never returned the kid's comp, hence, I never got my cd back either. Well, as of two days ago, I once again own my lost cd. What cd? How about Sleepasaurus!!! Fucking right bitches! I once again own one of my favorite cd's by a local punk rock band... who were actually from New York, but they played in St. Marys like a million times. They put out a few kick ass 7 inch records. The best being Master of Muppits and they mocked the Metallica album Master of Puppets except the Sleepasaurus cover had the fucking Muppets!!! It was a super sweet cover and I bought the record before I had actually heard the band play. Talk about a lucky buy because it's 5 super fast, poppy punk songs that are just super fucking sweet. Anyhow, I know own their only full length album that was put out on CREEP Records. CREEP is a super awesome record label from south eastern Pennsylvania. They gave the world Plow United. They gave the world the Boils. They gave the world some other great bands that I can't really think of right now because I don't feel like it.

Anyhow, that's my music right now. Sleepasaurus and the newest Lagwagon. I knew Blaze was a pretty sweet album when it first came out, but it took a few years of never listening to it for me to really appreciate it. I randomly just threw it in my discman a few weeks and I realized just how amazingly sweet this album is. The drums are pretty sweet. The guitar work is top-notch. But, what really sets this apart from most recent punk albums is the lyrics. They are personal, yet vague. They let you know that the lyrics mean something, but they aren't so specific that they might miss their mark. There are a few songs that mention the world events surrounding 9/11 but they aren't the same lame patriotic songs that Toby Keith would do. And, they aren't the same lame punk songs criticizing the U.S. Instead, they seem to talk about the emotions of people around the world. My favorite line from any of the songs, though, is from "Never Stops" and the line just says that "Everyone is guilty now." It's pretty god damn true.

So, last saTURDay I did something for the first time that I'm both proud of and ashamed of. And, no, I didn't rape a ten year old boy. I wouldn't be ashamed of that in the least. What I did was, I was a Dungeon Master for about ten hours straight. It was so darn fun, yet so god damn nerdy it made me want to puke. But, it did help to get yet another youth addicted to something less deadly, but more stigmatic than crack. Is it sad that I love something that I think is so god damn lame?

Answer: Yes.

Well, I'm off to do something other than this. Maybe I'll read a book. Maybe I'll work on my script some more. Maybe I'll watch the Pirates lose yet another game to those damn Yankees.

I'm fucking PISSED!!!

Wanna know why I'm pissed? I just stomached an entire listen of the new No Use for a Name mp3 that's posted on the Fat Wreck site. God, it fucking sucks. Listen to it. Just once.

Did you give it a try? Are you as sick as me?

If you're not you're a fucking retard.

Seriously, NUFAN, if I wanted to hear an Ataris album, I'd buy a fucking Ataris album. Go back to fucking rocking. Wait, it's not trendy. No Use can fuck off. Seriously. How much reverb can you put on a dude's vocals?

The question has been answered.

Notes on Geekfest

For those of you that don't care, here's a little round up of what happened over the weekend. Nerd gaming. Lots of it. The participants were: Myself, Gib, Beaman, Zack, Lou and his girlfriend. A good time was had by all. I'm now an eight level mage. I am badass. Of course, this is all in the fake world, but for some reason, it makes me feel better. I'm lame. Zach's character died, but he now has an even cooler character; a sixth level ranger. God damn, he's awesome. Beaman's dwarven fighter is a fucking bruiser. In fact, that's his nickname: Bruiser. We killed a ton of trolls and boy, was it fun. I still have a nerd boner from it.

I was thinking about sex today at work. Sue me, I'm a guy. But, I was thinking about the three girls that were (un)lucky enough to have my penis inside of their vaginas. Then I realized that the ugliest of the three was still super hot. I'm not sure how that happened, but boy, at some point in my life, I was a hot chick wrangler or something. So, what happened to me? About 25 pounds. And a total lack of self-esteem as well as a total lack of effort.

But, the other interesting thing is that the three girls who I've had sex with were all girls that I had been friends with for over a year. That means that these girls thought I was awesome after having known me for quite some time. That boggles my mind because most girls after that amount of time have already decided that I'm more like a girlfriend than a guy. Weird.

Patton Oswalt could possibly be the funniest comedian in the world. You might know him as Spence on The King of Queens, but I know him as the guy who does the awesome Nick Nolte impression, which is the impression that I try to sound like when I'm trying to sound like Nick Nolte.

Well, I'm out of here. I have a tiny penis and so does your dad.