This is the Last Blog I Will Ever Write

"Hey Franky, aren't you gonna give me your class ring?"
"Oh, I'm afraid I can't do that Annett"
"Why not?"
"Cause I don't have any arms!" - "Beach Party Vietnam" by The Dead Milkmen

I have finally finished narrowing down the thirty best Dead Milkmen songs. Wait, let me rephrase that. I've narrowed it down to my thirty favorite. Some of their best songs just aren't that fun. "Beach Party Vietnam" is a horrible song, but dammit, it's fun as balls.

Since I always thought that english was a stupid fucking class in high school, I have now forgotten exactly how you highlight different titles. I know you highlight a song title differently than an album title. And I think those are both different than movies or books. You either italicize them, make them bold or use some "quotation" marks. I'm too lazy to actually figure it out.

You know what really sucks? I got my disability check today so that means that I actually have a few dollars that I can spend. That doesn't suck, but what does suck is being home alone all weekend with a few hundred dollars that doesn't have to be spent on bills. I'd really like to buy some milk. Maybe some kind of meat so I can make a fucking sandwich.

Stratego is a kick ass game. Why don't I own it?

I just made a decision. I'm going to stop writing so many goddamn blog entries. I realized that trying to validate my life by waiting for people to comment on my incoherent rants is pointless. Not so much pointless as it's just not working. That means I'm going to find some other way to prove that i'm a worthwhile human being.

Wish me luck!

The Meaning of Life....

It's been two whole days since I last blogged. You're probably not wondering if something is wrong with me. Well, the answer to the question you never asked is "No." You can stop your worrying. There's no need to send out those care packages that I'm sure you all made up last night. Take all of the stuff back to the store. Except for the 3-pack of Fruit of the Loom boxers. Those I can use. I'm too lazy to do laundry.

Now, I promised you the meaning of life in the title of this entry. Well, actually I didn't promise anything, but I know how you assholes like to assume things. That's why I am, in fact, going to tell you all the meaning of life. Are you ready for it? Are you sitting down? Do you have socks on? Well, if you don't, put some on. This is going to knock them off. Here goes. The meaning of life is there's no meaning at all.

Is your mind blown?

That's it. Life isn't anything special. In fact, life is a zero-sum game. Before you're living, you're nothing. After you're dead, you're nothing. No matter what you do or what you gain while alive you will end up with nothing. It's kind of depressing, but at the same time it's kind of satisfying in a weird way. I think it might make dying a little easier knowing that you're not the only person who's going to die. Fred Durst is going to die. All of his money and horrible music will not save him. He isn't better than me. Well, I didn't need my "life has no meaning" theory to tell me that one. Just listen to him talk. He's a fucking douche bag.

I've been wondering. How can I be so different from all of the guys that I work with and somehow still get along with most of them? I don't understand it. I work in a factory filled with guys who are married, have kids, are quasi-racist and semi-homophobic. Everyone knows that I'm not married, I have no kids and I am totally homophobic and racist. Don't even put me in the same room with a fagger. (That's "fag" and "nigger" combined. I told you that I'm homophobic AND racist.)

For those of you that don't understand sarcasm, well, just try harder.

What the fuck is up with people ignoring me? It's whack. Everytime I try to talk to someone on AIM they don't fucking answer. Or they all of a sudden are "Away" or they log off all together. Am I that lame that people can't even pretend to like me for two minutes? Fucking people. No wonder why I'm so racist. I think I should really practice my sexism.

Seriously, though. Fuck you. If you don't want to talk to me just tell me you're busy or be a fucking man, grow some balls and tell me you don't want to talk to me anymore. I will only stab you two or three times.

I think that I do a pretty good job of helping people out when they need it. I think I even do a pretty good job of entertaining people. so, why the fuck doesn't anyone want to talk to me? I don't mind being disliked. I'm used to it. High school did prepare me pretty well for being disliked. I had four years of pretty intense training. I can handle someone not liking me. What I can't handle is someone lying to me. That shit sends me in a flying rage. Well, maybe not a flying rage. I'm pretty lazy. I guess it's more of a "stewing" rage. I just sit here and stew in my anger. Then after a few months I finally talk to the person, they pretend to apologize and then I fully forgive them only to go thru the same exact thing two months later. Fucking people. I hate you.

You know what the best part of being a liberal is? The best part is hating America first thing in the morning. There's nothing I love more than waking up, hating America and then eating a doughnut for breakfast. The only thing that might come close to hating America is fighting in the culture war. You know how we liberals just love war. There's nothing better than attacking our culture. Actually, there is. Attacking Christmas! Now there's something we liberals can't stand. Down with Christmas! You'd think that hating America and fighting TWO different wars would really keep us liberals busy. Well, you're wrong. We also give aid to terrorists. Not only that, but we also kill babies. That takes a lot out of us liberals and that's why we try to relax a lot instead of standing up against George W. Bush and his fucked up policies. We are just too tired and too stressed.

Well, that's enough for now. I'll be sure to be ignored by you all sometime later today.

Fuck you, AmeriKKKa! (How "punk rock" is that?)

If I Were Happy, Would I Like Myself?

That question just dawned on me. I'm what you might call a pretty morose motherfucker. I pretty much hate every second of my life. If it weren't for certain friends and family, I wouldn't think twice about killing myself. Death doesn't scare me. Ruining someone's day does, though. Anyhow, that's not the point of this.

The point is, I think I'm a pretty rad person with a pretty unrad life. I know I'm a loser, but I still think I'm pretty rad. Here's my dilemna. If I were to one day wake up and be happy, and I mean truly happy, would I like the person that I would become? Would I miss the old depressed me? Would I even remember that I liked who I was? That's why I never tried to get medication for my sadness, well, other than vodka and valium.

I know quite a few people who are on meds and they don't seem to be a different person than when they are off them. Well, they are different in that they aren't depressed, but they still seem to have the same personality. I always worried that if I were to go on zoloft or something then my sense of humor would change or even my taste in movies, music and people would all change. Part of what I don't hate about myself is the fact that I have a handful of friends, but those friends are way better than other person on the planet, cept for my dad. He's aces.

What am I trying to say with all of this? I'm not really sure. It's just shit that's been going thru my head lately. Not that anyone really cares the stupid shit I have to say, but maybe some day I'll read some of this stupid shit and think "Wow, I was a huge fucking loser." and that will somehow make me laugh. That's me. I love to laugh at people's misfortunes, even my own.

Let me give you a piece of advice, though. If you ever decide to drink yourself to death, remember to not do it at someone else's house. That's just mean and it will make you rethink your decision. So, always drink yourself to death at your own house, preferably alone. Also, make sure you drink enough to kill you. Don't drink until you're going to throw up. That's your body's way of telling you that you haven't had enough. Just drink and drink and drink and take some pills. Those help.

Spread the word and your buttcheeks. The search is about to begin.

Fuck you all.

My Chocolate Randomness Attack!

The Jetsons is set in the year 2062. That's about 56 years away. It seems to me that we need get working on flying cars and traveling around in tubes. I doube that we'll be able to have everything ready by 2062. We need to pick up the pace a little bit. Christ, why couldn't we have been working on this stuff 40 years ago? It would be sweet to fly around the world and when I finally get to where I need to be, I can just get sucked into a tube and land at the exact place I need to be. Moving sidewalks everywhere would also be pretty sweet. Not to mention the two-day work week. That's what I hate about television. It feeds you a bunch of false hopes and dreams. All TV does is lie.

Look at the Flintstones. I don't think that show is 100ccurate. Of course, I wasn't there, so I really wouldn't know.

Speaking of not knowing what I'm talking about, but having an opinion anyway, what's the deal with NASA? Why the fuck are we spending money to go to the moon? Sending satellites out in space might seem important, but couldn't we find something a little more important to spend the billions and billions of dollars on? How can you tell a homeless man that we can't help him because we have to send some people to the moon? "Sorry soldier. We would love to give you some armor, but you see, the moon is just too important." Apparently, there might be oil up there. Let's hope so. Now, I understand that a lot of the research that's been put into NASA has given us some important things, but have we found the cure for AIDS or cancer in space? I didn't think so. I'm just as curious about the universe as the next guy, but really, I think it's time we lay NASA to rest. "Thanks for Velcro and Tang, now it's time for you leave. It's been fun."

So, abortion, huh? What's with all the fuss? I keep getting more and more bulletins about how evil abortion is and then more and more bulletins saying that abortion isn't so bad. Whatever. I don't really care anymore. I think the whole debate is fucking pointless. Know why? No one will EVER change their mind about the issue. Either you're pro-killing babies or anti-woman. Either way you're a jerk. I think that's what gets in my craw the most; the fact that neither side can see or understand the other side's point of view. God forbid if a churchgoing Christian thinks about the pro-choice argument and sees where they are coming from. And god forbid is some Jesus hating rugmuncher see where the pro-lifers are coming from. I mean, if you believe that life starts at conception (some feel that sperm and eggs are not only a great breakfast, but also where life starts) then why wouldn't you think that abortion is murder? I mean, forget about whether or not the argument for life starting at conception is valid or not and realize that if you accept that life starts at conception then abortion would, in fact, be murder. I mean, you can't really argue against it. But, look at the other side. An embryo is hardly viable in the first three months (when most abortions are performed) so why shouldn't it be flushed out of the system? Women do it naturally all the time. Would you call any woman that's had more than one period a serial killer? Of course not. So, let's just all agree that if an abortion is to be performed, then the first three months would be the best time to do it since all that's in the womb is a mass of cells that wouldn't survive more than a nanosecond on the outside. I think even the most pro-life person would agree with that. It's when you get to around month six that things start to get a little hairy. Around that time most fetuses could survive popping out. That's where even the most pro-choice person should sit back and think a little bit. The leaves the middle three months for us to argue about. I really think that if we could keep abortion in the first 3 months absolutely legal and then kind of restricted it after the pregnancy hit the six month mark, then we could all agree on that. I mean, not everyone's happy, but isn't that what a democracy is all about? Just for the record, I'm uber pro-choice. I think that abortion should legal all the way into the 20th trimester. That's right, up until the kid is five years old. I'm that pro-choice. Take that!

I just realized that I probably sound like an idiot in that last section. Mostly because I decided not to reread it at all. I don't care if it kind of all jumbles together or not. I'm not changing it.

Speaking of god, which we weren't, I've wondering for quite some time now why doesn't god talk to people anymore? If you read the bible, which I don't, you'll notice that every two pages god is telling someone what to do. If he was as talkative now as he was then I'd be willing to bet that every last asshole on this planet would be in church every day of the week. Everybody would be donating every last cent they earn so the priests will be able to drink from platinum goblets and eat only the finest slices of meat in hopes that these men of god would put in a good word. Of course, that always brings me back to the point I've been making since I was eight years old. If god is everywhere and he sees and hears everything then why do I have to go to church? Can't I sit in my room and talk to him there? And if god is all powerful, why doesn't he give all of the churches all of the money they could ever need so they won't have to try to take it from us working stiffs? Yeah, I used the phrase "working stiffs" when I was eight. Deal with it. Anyhow, what was my point? Oh yeah, if god exists you'd think he'd take some people aside and other them some insider information. Oh wait, I think he does. The only problem is, maybe we think they're crazy. That's another thing that bothers me. When some guy says that he's Jesus, these Christian assholes call him a heretic and say he's insane. Wait, haven't you been saying for 2,000 years that Jesus was supposed to come back? Shouldn't you treating this guy with a little more respect? If you believe so much then you shouldn't be so judging of the guy. Besides, that's god's job, remember? where was I? Oh yeah, god should start letting people know that he's around. It would raise attendance and I'm sure it would lower the crime rate quite a bit. I know I'd stop jerking off so much.

No I wouldn't.

I was listening to my David Cross album a few days ago and I heard one of my favorite lines. I'm going to try to quote it right now. "If you don't believe in evolution, give a camera to an elderly man and to a monkey and watch them go. The monkey tries to use the camera, but can't and then he throws his poo. The elderly man can't use the camera and he doesn't throw his poo. That's evolution." That's nowhere near the actually quote, but during it he acts out what the man and the monkey do, so I just turned the actions into some words, but you get the fucking idea. Anyhow, anyone who doesn't believe in evolution is a moron. There is so much evidence that it's retarded. Some people refuse to believe, though, because they think that the bible is the ultimate truth. Well, sorry, folks, that book was written two thousand years ago. It was written in a dead language and then translated into other dead languages and those translations were changed on a whim by whatever king was in power at the time and it all filters down to what we have now. How many different versions are there now? Too many to count. Well, not really, but I'm too lazy to actually find out. My point is, is one bible more true than another? I hardly think so. That alone should give you pause to think the bible is the ultimate truth. Here's the thing, though. You can still believe that god created the universe and still believe in evolution. It's easy. Think of the bible as a book of morals and stories to convey those morals. Most sane people would agree that's the main purpose of the bible. Hell, most priests I know are confortable with that explanation of the bible. If it works for them then it should work for you. Now, evolution is a wonderful theory. It explains quite a bit. It explains how we got here, not to mention why we got here. The biggest problem that ignorant people tend to have is that they don't want to think that they are decendants of monkeys. Well, think what you want, but it doesn't change the truth. Their biggest argument is "If we came from monkeys then why are monkeys still here?" Actually, that's a good question. The answer is even better. Evolutional theory doesn't claim that we came from monkeys. In fact, it claims we don't come from monkeys. It claims that millions of years ago some species of mammal split into two groups. One group lived in the trees and evolved into modern day monkeys. The other group lived on the ground somewhere in Africa and started walking upright and eventually evolved into homosapians. That's us. We came from some species that turned into humans and monkeys. It's pretty simple, actually. I'm amazed that it took so long for someone to figure it all out. Thank evolution for Darwin!

Violence Rules. Wait, let me rephrase that. In theory violence rules. I really love seeing stuff blowing up and I really like to see people get hurt, but one they do, I feel bad. That's why, in theory, violence rules. Take 9/11 for example. When I first saw the building on fire, I though to myself "That is fucking awesome!" After I saw the second plane hit, I immediately realized that I was a dick for thinking that. And even when the buildings collapsed, I thought "That is fucking awesome!" OF course, I didn't mean that it was awesome that people had died, but just the scene of seeing two building fall to the ground is pretty cool. It's only when you take it out of theory and into reality that you see how horrible violence can be. Once I realized that people were dead and that families were broken, I knew that it was horrible. I don't know if I'm explaining it all right, but I'm sure a few of you understand what I'm trying to say. If you don't, maybe this will help. When I play Grand Theft Auto, I think it's awesome to load up on ammo and just start shooting people. I think it's great, but I know that if some asshole does that in real life, then they are an asshole. I really wish I wasn't so tired so I could explain it better, but that's what I get for writing this on three minutes of sleep.

Well, I'm going to go since I can't keep my eyes open anymore.

Why Do Ugly People Like Me Put Their Pictures On the Internet?

Why is it that ugly people always put their picture on the internet? Is it because they are oblivious to their ugliness? Or do they actually think they are attractive? I do it because I don't care either way. It just bugs me because you know that some of these hideous looking guys and girls think they are "the shit" when it's obvious to anyone who isn't blind that they are without the "the"... making them just "shit." As a favor to us all, if you're ugly, take your picture down. It's called common courtesy. That's why I don't take my shirt off when other people are around. I care.

It's weird. I've gotten a few people to add me for no real reason. Either they haven't actually read my profile or they think I'm being hilarious. Okay, it's true, I am hilarious, but I'm also serious when I say that I hate you. Yes, you. Not the guy behind you, but you. I hate everyone on this planet, but people seem to keep ignoring that. I guess that's okay, though. I've actually made a few friends that way. I just think it's weird that people just assume that I don't mean them when I write my angry vitriol and spew my bile of hate.

Right now I'm going thru all eight Dead Milkmen albums so I can compile the ultimate "Best Of..." but it's pretty damn hard. Right now I have about twenty songs that have made the prelimenary cut and I've only listened to the first three albums. I'm probably going to end up with forty songs or so. That's way too long for a "Best Of..." They should be limited to two or three songs per album, but I always have trouble cutting out songs. I'm a pussy, I know.

So, who wants to go see the Larry the Cable Guy Movie with me? I'm serious about this. I want to go see it in theatres for two reasons. First off, I would really like to see what may be the worst movie ever in theatres. I mean, how many people can say that they saw Plan Nine from Outer Space while it was in theaters? Not too many. I want to be able to say that I saw the dumbest movie ever made. Mostly, though, I want to make fun of the people who went because they love Larry the Cable Guy. I want to sit there and scream "Say It" throughout the entire film until he finally says "Git-R-Dun" and then I can scream "Hooray" and then get up and walk out. I find that to be hilarious. Or I want to at least pull an MST3K on it. Then I'd want to go eat a nice meal at Eat-N-Park. Sounds like a wonderful evening to me.

It would beat jerking off... again.

Lucky for me The Simpsons is going to be around until at least 2009. King of the Hill is also coming back for another season. FOX apparently got my message. No Simpsons and no King of the Hill make Jym go something, something...

Go crazy?

Don't mind if I do!!!

Apparently the director of X-Men 3 did such a wonderful job that whatever FOX Studios offered him the Wolverine spin-off. I hope he did well enough to deserve it because that means I will shit my pants more than I did during X-2. Of course, when I went to see it, I had the flu and I had just eaten some tacos with laxatives on them, but trust me, it was mostly how awesome the movie was that made me poo.

Well, now that I've just turned off every girl that's reading this... oh, who am I kidding? No girls read this. Atleast no girls that would be turned on by me... but for those few girls that came here thinking that it was Brad Pitt's gournal, well, I apologize. Lucky for you, I'm finished.

I'm horny. Bye.

Methodist Coloring Book

"You've got a Methodist Coloring book and you color really well.
But don't color outside the lines or God will send you to hell.
Cause Got hates war and God hates crime
but He really hates people who color outside the lines"

See that? That's called being funny, but at the same time making a point. It's from a wonderful Dead Milkmen song called Methodist Coloring Book which is on what I think is their best album Metaphyscial Graffiti. Buy it or burn it, I don't care, but hear it. It's wonderful.

Anyhow, my dad took me grocery shopping tonight. Yeah, you read that right. I'm so fucking broke that I called my old man to see if he could spot me a few dollars until the end of the week. He did me one better and just took me out to get some groceries. I felt weird because I was kind of forced to only buy the things I needed. I didn't want to make my father spend money that wasn't necessary, but if he had just let me borrow $20 then I could have spent it on junkfood and not given it a second thought. Anyhow, my dad paid for the groceries and he let me keep the change, so I actually ended up with $20. It's sweet because now I get to eat as well as not be dirt fucking poor. At least until I get paid and then immediately pay some of my bills. Should be fun. At least I know exactly how much I have in my checking account so I can actually start balancing it every day. To think, all I needed was to have my appendix taken out and now I'm caught up on balancing my checkbook. Yay Me!

Anyone want to go see a Pirate game on April 15th? It's a Saturday. All fans in attendance receive a free Jason Bay Bobblehead. That's worth the price of admission. You can sell that on Ebay someday for more than the price of the ticket. I guarantee it.

You know what I hate? Frat boys. You know what I hate more than frat boys? Raggae music. You know what I hate more than raggae music? Frat boys who listen to raggae music.

Come on everybody, it's the first day of spring! Can't you just feel the good times that are on their way? Yeah, me neither. All spring means to me is that it's going to get be getting hot as fuck soon. That means I'm going to be one sweaty mofo. Plus, it means that my workplace is going to be 120 degrees on a daily basis. Throw in the humidity and I'm damn thankful to be alive. Hooray for irreversible global warming!

The next time you hear some moron saying that "evolution is just a theory" do me a favor and punch them in the face. Then tell them that a theory is a hypothesis that has been backed up by facts. If something's a theory then it means that it's probably true. Just look at geometry. Everything in geometry is based on theories. Hell, almost all of math and science is based on theories, but those theories are held to be true because there is evidence that backs them up. Hence, a theory is a very powerful thing. Therefore, evolution is a fact of life. That doesn't mean that some sort of god didn't create the universe or anything. It just means that we came to be here after billions and billions of years. That's all.

Another thing that bugs me is this. Christians are Christians because they follow the teaching of Christ. Am I right so far? That makes me wonder why they still follow the old testament then. If you're supposed to do what Jesus said then shouldn't you ignore the old testament? Doesn't the new testament make the old testament obsolete? You'd think so. But that's where most looney Christians get all of their ideas on how this country could be better. They never talk about the very socialistic views that Christ had. They never mention the fact that Jesus never once mentioned anything about homosexuals. You'd think he would have said to hate them if it was so important. It's funny. I've read Jesus' sermon on the mound and it's pretty darn good. It's quite communistic and liberal. I'm pretty sure that if Jesus were around today he would be all for social security, the rich paying higher taxes, not going to war, etc. But right-wingers don't ever mention any of that. They like to quote the old testament which is probably the most violent book ever written. Everywhere you look more and more people are being slaughtered. It's crazy. Plus, the old testament is the book of the Jews. It's their book. That's all there is to it. It's their book and most Jews tend to agree that a lot of it just doesn't make sense. They tend to agree that alot of it, if not all of it, is metaphorical. It's not ment to be taken literally, but it's meant as a way to teach morals. I think I might just print out all of the things that Jesus taught and all of the things he did and I'm going to keep them on me at all times. That way whenever some right-wing moron tries telling me that universal health care and welfare programs are wrong, I'll just pull out my little Jesus notebook. I'll show him where Jesus turned a couple of fish and a few loaves of bread into enough food to feed hundreds of people. That's welfare. Then I'll show him the part where Jesus brought Lazerus back to life and where he healed the crippled and lepers. That sounds an awful lot like universal health care to me. Maybe I'm crazy, but Jesus sure seemed like a liberal to me.

Of course, I don't believe in any of that nonsense, so it doesn't really matter to me, but it still pisses me off when right-wingers use the bible as factual backing for their arguments when it's obvious that their leader disagreed with just about everything they believe. I think that's funny.

You know what else is funny? I have 16 fucking cents in my checking account. It sucks, but I think it's hilarious.

Lamer Than Lame

I finally found a website that will host podcasts for free. That means that someday I will pretend that people actually want to hear what I have to say and want to know what music I'm into. It should be lame.

I think I just have this demented notion that if I did something lame like this then after a while millions of people would start to listen because I'm so damn funny. I know that's bullshit, but I still have this horribly active imagination. Most people who know me pretty well will attest to my horribly active imagination. Just hang out with me for a night and stop all conversation for more than five seconds and I'll say something totally off the wall and chances are you will just stare at me and wonder where the hell that just came from.

I'm gifted.

Some might say "special."

I say "Fuck you!"

I've keep having dreams about being back in high school. It's weird. It's either my subconscious telling me I should go back to school (aka: college) or it's telling me that high school was the best time of my life and I should keep reliving it. But, here's the problem. I already know I should go back to college. I've been saying that for years. Also, I can't be reliving my high school years in my dreams because in my dreams I'm 26, but I'm back in school for some reason. In my dreams I randomly start going to school, but it's the middle of the year and I have no notes and no books. I don't even know where any of my classes are. The thing is, I've been going the whole year, but I only remember starting at the beginning of my dream. It's horrible. Then after awhile in my dream, I remember that I graduated so I start to wonder why I'm going to classes. How weird is that?

Almost as weird as getting attacked by talking raccoons. Feel free to ask me about that dream, if you like.

Want to read something that you won't understand, but somehow proves the "Big Bang" Theory? Well, just click HERE. The article is incredibly hard to understand, but you will feel smarter for having read it.

Now if they could just find proof that guys with small penises are actually better lovers. Hell, I'd kill Bill Gates, steal his entire fortune and donate it all to that study.

Well, that's long enough. I'm tired.

Trying Something Different

It's 3:30AM on a Friday night/Saturday morning. Shouldn't I be in bed? Or maybe I should be out on the town getting loaded and having sex with young and impressionable girls. I should, but I'm not. I'm sitting at home wishing that I had enough patience to sit thru and episode of Wonder Showzen. It's a pretty ridiculously funny show, but there's something not right about laughing when you're tired. I don't know what it is. Maybe if I ever figure it out I'll learn something about the universe. Or maybe not.

So, I decided to title this blog "Trying Something Different" for two reasons. One, this is my first non-MySpace blog. I realized some time ago that MySpace was pretty lame. Then again, blogging is pretty lame. Hell, just using the term "blog" is lame. Anyone who writes or reads a blog is lame. I'm doubly so, because I do both. Where was I? Oh yeah. Two, I had planned on saying something nice about the President.

Are you ready? Here goes.

George W. Bush can really let the bad times roll right off his back like nothing ever happened. New Orleans was utterly destroyed and thousands of poor black people died while he did nothing. Do you really think that low polls numbers are going to bother him? I think you could murder his wife, cut off her arms and use them to rape his daughters and he'd probably just go with the flow. He's that smooth. He's like James Bond on smoothness steroids, if that makes any sense. The only thing that flusters him is answering questions.

Of course, I think it's really unfair that we ask him so many questions. I mean, you go to school for 16 years and you think you'd be done having to answer questions. You shouldn't have to take pop quizes when you're in your fifties. How would you feel if some random moron came up to you and started asking you questions about your job? Wouldn't you just want to shoot somebody? Well, now you know how the President feels. Stop with all the questions.

Secretly I'm hoping that people will actually read this thing, but I have a feeling that after a year I will have approximately zero hits. Why? No one cares about what I have to say. I'm not a celebrity. Of course, the whole goal of any blogger is to one day have your blog read on the Situation Room. I know that my panties get wet just thinking about it.

In fact, they are wet right now. Gotta go.

There's Nothing Like the Dead Milkmen

If you are ever in a crappy mood, which is the kind of mood I'm in most of the time, there's nothing like a Dead Milkmen album to help pull you out of the doldrums. Fuck Prozac, get a Dead Milkmen album. I recommend all of them.

Big thanks to http://www.dictionary.com for making it so easy to figure out that I spell (and smell) like a moron. I originally thought that doldrums was possibly spelled "dulldrums." It's not my fault. They teach you in elementary school to "sound it out" if you don't know how to spell something. That never works in english because english is the most fucked up language ever. Too many "silent" letters everywhere. It's retarded.

You know what I love about beind a Democrat? I love the inevitable failure that we're sure to achieve every two years come election day. Even when every sign is pointing to success, we Democrats will find a way to fuck it up. We're kind of like the Chicago Cubs of the two-party system. It's funny because I think that most Democrats are just as bad as most Republicans. Actually, that's really not funny. That's kind of scary. My point it this: I'd love to vote for one of the many other smaller parties, but it's pointless now. I keep hearing that you have to vote for the small parties now so that later they will be big enough to make a difference. Well, we're in trouble now. It's not that parties that are the problem. It's the people that make them up. Garbage in, garbage out. Elected officials come from the general population. That means they are a sample of the whole and frankly, the whole of this country must be pretty shitty. That's my campaign slogan whenever I run for office. "Everyone sucks. I just suck a little less."

So, I'm thinking about doing a podcast. Why? Because I want to be like everyone else. Plus, I've always wanted to be a radio DJ and I enjoy thinking that someone out there actually cares about what I have to say. I'm an egomaniac. The only problem is, I have no idea how to do something like that. I guess that's usually the biggest obstacle in any dream you have. You have to figure out how to do what it is you want to do. Some people want to do a gay podcase while some of you may want to become a high class call girl. Well, I don't know how to do either so don't ask me.

I could really use a blow job.

So, I reread my short film script and other than thinking it will definitely need a hell of a rewrite to polish it up, I also think it might just make a pretty darn neat five minute movie. I'm also going to touch up my feature length script. I figure that I can work on it while I write a few more short scripts and hopefully film those so I can figure out what I'm doing. I really like my first draft of my feature length script. It's damn funny, but it's structurely horrible. It has no beginning, middle or end. It's almost like a written documentary. But it's got awesome dialogue like this:

(Peter is talking to his roommate Mark and Mark's girlfriend Megan.)



MARK
Anyhow, dude, you might want to turn the TV up pretty loud cause we're gonna go upstairs and fuck.

PETER
I'm glad I know that.

MARK
Well, you know how she gets when we fuck. You can't keep her quiet and I know how you hate to hear it.

PETER
That's because the longest lasting sex in the world is always the sex that you have to listen to.

MARK
I can't help it if I'm such a stud.

PETER
Yeah you can. Just think about me licking your balls. That'll make you cum in an instant.

MARK
(Shaking like he's having an orgasm.)
Holy fuck, dude, you're right. Open wide for me!

PETER
You wish. Go upstairs and fuck already.

MARK
(To Megan)
You heard the man!


I think that shit's hilarious. Of course, I have a super immature sense of humour. Of course, I just spelled humour with a "u" therefore it's all proper and British, so that makes up for my twisted sense of humour. Therefore I win, somehow.

So, where was I? Oh, I was writing this gay blog when I decided to read thru my feature length script and it's still damn funny, but damn it's weird. Well, that's what happens when a weird guy writes something. It ends up being weird.

I want to highly recommend Gmail by Google. It's such a kick ass email program/website. It actually blocks out spam without having to set a filter. It's nice.

I also want to recommend my penis to all of the ladies. I don't want to go into too much detail, but let's just say that my penis is the ultimate palate cleanser. You know how you go to a concert and the opening band sucks hard? Well, that makes the headlining band sound that much better. Well, my penis is like an opening band. It will make the next guy you're with seem that much better. Hell, I think guys should be hiring me to bang their girlfriends just so they will seem to be that much better in bed. I think I just found my new business venture.

So, who wants to drive me to the movie theatre and pay for my ticket to see V for Vendetta? I really want to see this movie and I'm poor and I don't have a car and I hate going to the movies alone anyhow. Well, fuck you all for saying no to me. Assholes.

I'm done with this blog.

Two Days...

"I've lost all hope. I've lost the ability to cope.
I've lost the ability to assess the situation." - Hellbender circa 1994

Hellbender was a kick ass emo band. Of course, that was back when emo didn't suck. Emo used to mean one thing. The songs were written with a emotion. Usually that emotion was alienation, anger or loneliness. The lyrics were almost always the main reason to listen to the song. Now emo is about girls and how much life sucks. Of course, that's coming from millionaire rock stars. Um, why are you whining exactly? Emo used to be dark and heavy music, but with a touch of melody. Now it's horrible pop/punk. I should know. I've been in a few horrible pop/punk bands.

My AIM won't connect. How will I know who's ignoring me? Oh, I know. Just look at my MySpace friends list. Hooray for technology! Now I can see who thinks I'm a loser in the blink of an eye.

I admit it. I watch Law & Order: SVU. I watch it all the time. It might be the second lamest show on tv, though. Of course, X-Files is the lamest. SVU, though, is lame because they take real stories and use them as the basis of really lame stories. Remember Terri Shiavo? Who doesn't? Anyhow, SVU had a show that stole all of the storylines from that whole fiasco. An unloving husband wants to take his wife off of life support so he can get life insurance money. The parents want to keep their brain dead daughter alive because they are stupid and think there's some sort of hope. It's ridiculous. Watch an episode of SVU and find out it's original air date. Then google the news from a month or so before that date and you will see exactly where the episode came from. I mean, they don't even try to hide it. It's like when Diddy (He dropped the "P" because it was coming between him and his fans... Yeah, fuck him.) samples a song except much more obvious than that.

Who wants to help me suffer a disabilitating, yet non-crippling injury? I could really use a few more weeks off of work.

I just got my new check card. If only I had more than sixteen cents in my account, I would be set.

You know what band I hate? Anti-Flag. Fuck that band.

If you guessed Fallout Boy, you would also be correct. You would be correct if you named any of the following: Hawthorne Heights, My Chemical Romance, Sugarcult, Jimmy Eat World, All American Rejects, Bowling for Soup, Good Charlotte, The Strokes, Sum 41... More to come. I'm having a brain fart.

Did you know that Hitler was a vegetarian painter? Well, that's two more reasons to hate him.

Has anyone tried the new Berry Krispies? They are pretty sweet. I highly recommend them.

For none of you that care, I have my five minute short film all outlined. Now it's just a matter of writing the fifteen lines that need to be said. Should be pretty funny. Or pretty lame. Either way, I'm determined to film this thing. I'll be playing the guy. I need a girl to play the girl. I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to write any make out sessions. If you'd be interested, or know anyone who would be, please let me know. I am trying to slim down for this thing, so you probably won't have to be forever immortalized on film with my tubby ass.

Q: How many punk does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. Punks aren't afraid of the dark!!!

Anarchy is for morons!

A Job Ain't Nothin' But Work

I went back to work today. Talk about a mistake. Actually, it wasn't too bad. It was funny going back because when I first walked in, everything seemed really out of place. Almost like they moved everything around. It was weird.

I officially have $0.16 in my checking account. I do believe that means I'm officially broke as shit. Unless I find a coupon for "Buy One Penny Candy, Get An Entire Cart of Groceries Free" then I'm pretty fucked.

Isaac Hayes quit South Park. Apparently he feels that they have crossed a line when it comes to making fun of religion. The fact is, he's a scientologist and once they did a show about it, he now thinks they went over the line. I think it's funny that people feel it's okay to attack any religion except for theirs. That's retarded. Here's the thing. Unlike race, gender or sexual orientation, religion is a CHOICE!!! Therefore, you are free to get your ass made fun of for it. I'll fight to the death for you to choose whatever religion you want. Well, actually I wouldn't because I don't care about you that much, so let me say that I would kill others to let you choose whatever religion you want, but once I kill those people I'm going to make fun of you. Deal?

Speaking of religion, since when did Jesus become a republican? Hell, when did Jesus become a capitalist? Remember the fish and bread? Remember how he provided them to his followers? Seems pretty socialist to me. Makes me wonder why most uber-religious people tend to be such staunch capitalist. They hate anything even remotely socialistic. Such horrible things like 40-hour work weeks, social security, unions, safety regulations, etc. Those evil socialists should have been shot. Oh wait, a lot of them were.

Just so you know, I'm not a proponent of communism by any means. Communism is the best system in theory. Capitalism sucks, but find me a better system and I'll use it.

Peace Out and Fuck Off.

Showers Are For Losers

"The last time I cared whose dick was in her was the last time I took my dick out." - Not Your Friends

I don't know why that line just struck me, but it did. I'm listening to my collection of seven inches and I'm on the Not Your Friends section and that line came up and for just an instance it resonated with me the way that the bible resonates with die hard Christians. Now as I type this, that feeling has passed and I no longer care about that line but for just one second it summed up my life. It's weird how music can do that. One day you totally identify with the latest Nickelback song and then a few weeks later you either realize how big of a douche bag you were for liking Nickelback and you go on a three day bender or you keep liking Nickelback and then hopefully you blow your fucking brains out. Anyhow, my love affair with that line has now passed, but I'm sure it will come back around some time.

I really need to shower. I didn't get to shower yesterday because I slept most of the day and then I forgot to do my laundry which meant that I had absolutely no clean towels, so I figured I'd just wait until today to shower. I'm still waiting. How disgusting is that? Oh well, I never claimed to be hygenic.

You should see the horrible hair shaving that's happened on my body because of my surgery. They had to shave some of my hair off to get at my appendix. No big deal. The problem was that the tape I used to keep my bandage on would go right over some of my pubic hair. That means that ripping it off hurt like hell, so I decided to shave off that section of my pubes. Well, that meant that half of my pubes were gone while the other half were nearing "70's Bush" territory. That felt and looked weird so I decided I should just shave off the rest. Yeah, don't do that ever. It looks twice as gay and it feels horrible as the hair grows back in a bit. There's nothing more fun than stubble rubbing up against your dick. Unluckily, yet fortunately, no woman will ever see this horrible, horrible trim job I did.

I was watching the President give a speech today. Afterwards he actually took questions from reporters. Most of the reporters threw him some softball questions. It was pathetic. Finally someone asked him what the US's response would be if Iraq fell into a civil war. I think that's a pretty fair question. What was the presidents answer? If you guessed that he dodged the question, then you would be correct. He gave a five minute answer stating that we were going to try and keep that from happening. He didn't say how we would stop that from happening. That might have been an almost close answer. Instead he said that we need to keep Iraq from falling into a civil war and that he doesn't think that will happen. Bullshit. How the fuck can you duck a question like that? That's been his M.O. since he first ran in 2000. He gets asked a question and then he tells you that we need to take care of problems, but he never tells you how he plans to do that. This might be the most inept president we've ever had... ever. It's things like that that really make me want to run for office. I just want to see a politician be honest and answer a fucking question. I would be a horrible politician becuse I would give my honest opinion and I would actually answer a question. To make things worse, I would admit when I don't know something. I would almost respect this president if he would just say he has no clue what's going on. At least that would be honest. That's what people really liked about Clinton. He was full of shit, but he let you know it. He didn't try to hide it. He was honest about being full of shit. You really have to admire that.

This next part's for you Foster. You god damn right-wing asshole. Just kidding. Anyhow, in one of my little rants before, I talked about how conservatives don't give a shit about poor families and especially poor mothers and I said that if you really want to stop abortion without making it illegal, you would make it easier for poor parents to take care of their kids. Having both parents working two jobs sure as hell hasn't worked out too well. That's the thing that these conservatives complain about, too. They want the family to spend more time together, but they call you lazy if you choose to only work one job and spend time with your kids. Conservatives want to have it both ways. They want you to earn your right to live decently, but then chastise you for not spending enough time with your kids. Some parents are also doing it alone. That makes it even worse. We should be helping these people who strive to make things better for themselves instead of telling them they will never amount to anything. Peole are dealt horrible hands and if they don't try to change that, then yes, they deserve to stay mired in their poverty. But what about the single mother who's working two jobs just trying to make ends meet. Shouldn't we help those who help themselves? I know that there are always a few who screw things up and try to take advantage of things like that, but you don't just throw the baby out with the bathwater. It's just like any sort of system where someone takes advantage of it. You punish those that cheat and then you change the system to fix the problem. when another problem pops up, you fix it and stay vigilant. You don't punish the majority of people who follow the rules just because a small minority screws things up. Trust me, I think that throwing money at a problem should be the last thing you do, but when money can be a solution then you should start chucking. It's all about prioritizing. Take money away from things that don't really need it. I'm one of those anomalies: A super liberal who doesn't want to waste money. I know that some people can't really understand that, but we do exist. We want to help anyone and everyone, but be smart about it. If that makes any sense.

Wow, that was way too serious. Maybe I can talk about how much I hate those new VolksWagon commercials. There's nothing lamer than a retard with a thick german accent speaking hiphop lingo. It's fucking annoying as shit. Anyone who actually likes those commercials deserves to get raped in the ass and not by me, but by someone who actually has an average size or bigger dick. I'm hung like a pimple.

Damn, I'm horny.

The Painkillers Just Kicked In...

It's 5:15AM. I just finished watching 4 episodes of the X-Files. Talk about a horrible show. I can't believe it was ever popular. Of course, I'm the one who just watched four episodes in a row. It's my new guilty pleasure. Charmed was my old guilty pleasure, but I kind of grew out of it. Besides, I'm more of a fan of finding old shit that's no longer around. It's the same way with music. I'll find a band that broke up years ago and then I can dive in to their entire collection. It's the same with TV shows, I think.

So, pain killers, huh? They sure are awesome. I need to befriend a doctor who can write me prescriptions for pain killers. I wouldn't be a dick and ask for them all the time. Just one or two a week would be sweet. And unlike most people, I'm not stupid enough to get addicted to shit like this. I can recognize when I have a problem. That's the reason I drink so seldom. I know that I would want to do it every night and that's just not good for me. Alcoholism runs in the family. Seriously, though, if you ever come across a bunch of Demerol, please, please, please let me know about it. Yummy.

If you're a girl on my friends list and you're reading this, than chances are I want to fuck your brains out. Wait, let me rephrase that. I would fuck your brains out. Saying "I want" implies that fucking your brains out is the sole motivation for talking to you. "I would" simply says that if you were ever desperate enough to let me slide my meatpole into your axe wound, then I would oblige. Was that a little vulgar? I hope it was. I'm a vulgar son of a bitch. Maybe if I curtailed my potty mouth ways then the ladies would be into me. Oh well, if you can't love me for me, then I should probably change who I am. It seems to work for frat boys and sorostitutes.

I started working on the my short film scripts. It's called Nice Guy. I think it's going to be pretty funny. It's also going to be really short. Hence, it's a short film. I'm going to post the script on here once I get it finished and I've shown a few close friends. The script is based on many, many different accounts of being a "Nice Guy" and things not working out. It's mostly based on one line that was said to a friend of mine, which is funny because it's so fucking sad. I'm actually really excited about this little short film. I might actually get this on filmed.

Anyhow, it's late/early and I'm going to bed. Fuck Off and Peace Out.

I'm Dropping Bombs Like Hiroshima

Come on ladies, let's all move to South Dakota! There, I can rape you and you will be forced to have my child. Talk about a life ruiner's dream. But in all seriousness, I don't give a shit about abortion law either way. Know why? I'm a guy so I will never ever have to make that decision. Ever. It's the same thing with minors not being allowed to see R-rated movies or buy music with parental advisory labels on them. I don't care because it doesn't affect me. Now, don't get me wrong, I am staunchly pro-choice, but that doesn't mean making abortions illegal will bother me in the least. It just doesn't. Will I do what I can to try to keep abortions legal and safe? Of course, but if and when I fail, I'll just come home and watch the Simpsons and forget about it all. Call me an uncaring man all you like, but you women get to outlive me by at least ten years, so fuck it, I'm going to live as stress free a life as possible, meaning that I'm not going to care either way about shit that I can't control. That's just how I roll.

Seriously, though, this whole banning of abortion is pretty fucked up. I understand why people are against abortion, I really do. I'm against it, actually. That doesn't mean I think it should be banned, though. I think that abortions should be legal, safe and rare. How do you do that? You make it easier to raise a kid. You give parents every advantage possible. Tax breaks, funding for after-school programs, good paying jobs, affordable day care, etc. These conservative politicians want to force women to have children, but they don't want anything to do with the kid once it's born. From conception to delivery these fetuses are all potentially the second coming of christ to these pricks, but they don't want anything to do with them once they're born. They don't want anything to do with them until they reach "Military Age." Then they're just the kids they are looking for. If you're preborn, you're aces. If you're preschool, you're fucked. Right-wingers want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. Don't believe me? Look at how they treat soldiers that don't die. Every year more and more money is cut from the Veteran Affair's budget. VA hospitals are critically underfunded. This is how we treat soldiers when they come home. They get inadequate healthcare and inadequate funding to live out their now crippled lives. It's bullshit. We send these men and women off to fight in a war and then we tell them they're on their own when they get back. Why? So we can get an extra $20 a paycheck. It's ridiculous. Nevermind whether you think the war is justified or not. That's not even important. What's important is that these men and women were thrown into the line of fire by the government and it's this same government that's failing them. We should be ashamed of ourselves as a country. But, luckily, we'll keep voting the same assholes into congress year after year.

Speaking of asshole congressmen, I'm praying that Rick Santorum loses this upcoming November. This guy is pure evil, but at the same time he's such a nice guy that no one seems to notice how much he hates women, gays, minorities and poor people. He feels that if life deals you a bad hand then that's just how life is. He doesn't want to help anyone. Please, please, please, if you live in Pennsylvania register to vote and vote agaist him. If you don't, you will go to hell. Know why? Jesus preached everything that this man stands against. Don't believe me? Read a bible.

Anyhow, on to something a little lighter in nature. I've been watching the X-Files alot lately. It's on late at night on TNT, so I normally don't get to watch it because I have a job that requires me to wake up at 7AM. Anyhow, I've been watching it and I'm starting to become a pretty big fan of the show. Not because it's some great show or anything, but because it's so fucking ridiculous. It's unbelievable how crazy it is. Forget about how every week some insane thing happens and then on the next episode everyone acts like nothing crazy has ever happened before so when something insane happens again no one can believe. Every episode is the same old thing. An alien or monster or zombie or whatever attacks a bunch of people and no one will admit what's happening, only to believe it at the end. The next episode weird shit starts up and everyone just denies that some alien or monster is behind it. How retarded is that? But the thing I love best about the show is the horribly horrible opening credits. It looks like something I could have done in my high school audio/visual class. I mean, it's bad. It looks like they filmed it all on some sort of camcorder that you could have purchased at Wal-Mart. I mean, it's bad. If you've never seen it, please, check it out just for the opening credits. It looks like a public access show.

Anyhow, I have to go. I'm working on some idea for a script for a short film. Should be a lot of work that never comes to fruition.

Peace Out.

Dreams, Dreams, Dreams... Boy I Got a Lot of Dreams

Sleep.

Sleep is the greatest thing EVER! I don't get nearly enough of it. The past few weeks have really reminded me just how great sleep is. After you have surgery, the only thing you want to do is sleep. Of course, hospitals are so damn boring that sleep is the only way of escaping. I was in the hospital for about 65 hours and I think I slept for about 40 of those. That's a lot of sleep. Of course, I think most of it came the last 36 hours I was in there because all I did was sleep. I slept thru visiting hours, which sucks because my dad showed up and I felt like a dick when I woke up and read the note he left letting me know that he had stopped by. But, my father's the greatest and he let me sleep because, like me, he knows that sleep is far better than anything. Anyhow, all I did was sleep because sleep is like time traveling. You fall asleep and the next thing you know is that it's some time in the future. So I slept to try and make my discharge time get there faster and it worked. Thank god, too because I was about ready to start stabbing people. It was murder. Actually, it wasn't so bad once the nurses stopped checking in on me every hour. That was brutal. I'm in the middle of sleeping and they wake me up to take my blood pressure. Can't they do that while I'm sleeping? It's not like I was laying in the fetal position or anything. I could only lay on my back with my arms either at my side or lying across my chest. Just grab my arm and do what you need to do. And while you're at it, give me a shot of Demerol. After my first day and a half in there, the nurses couldn't be bothered with me. Even if I rang for them they would take FOREVER to see what I needed. I know they have a hectic job, so I don't begrudge them for taking some time to see what I need, but there were a few times where they took way too long to show up. Luckily, I wasn't dying when I rang for them. I was just in pain. And when I say in pain, I mean, I wanted to get high on some Demerol. But just so you don't think I totally hated my entire experience with the nurses, I just have to say that Tony Krug's mom is a nurse and she was a sweetheart to me. Of course, after I moved into another room she wasn't my nurse anymore, but that first day was almost quaint because she was super sweet to me. When she came in to check on me every hour, it didn't seem like a pain in the ass. Mostly because she wasn't so damn clinical about it. She was just concerned. Most nurses don't have that attitude about it. They just want to go in and do the job. That seems pretty crazy to me. Isn't part of medicine about caring about the patient? That tends to imply some sort of humanity, some sort of empathy towards the patient, but I don't think nurses are like that anymore. It's a shame.

I just farted. It smells, but it's not really that bad. I give it a five out of ten.

And I just realized why I can't find a girlfriend. See above sentence.

Well, I'm starting to run low on food. Luckily, a few weeks back I stockpiled a bunch of frozen food because I think that by the end of the week, I'm going to be out of any food worth eating. Then I'll start eating broccoli. That's it. Not as a side dish, but as an entire meal. That should be fun.

I need to marry a rich old woman so I can steal all of her money. Of course, with my luck, I would marry her and she would just keep on living and then when she finally gets close to death I'll be a loser and start to feel bad. I hate being a nice guy. It just leads to pain. Unless you're Daniel Laruso, then it leads to a kicking some ass in a karate competition. God, I love Karate Kid. Sure, it's no No Retreat, No Surrender, but it gets the job done.

I watched the Oscars last night. I enjoyed it for the most part. I thought Jon Stewart was pretty good, but I'm a huge fan of his from way back, so anything he does it gold as far as I'm concerned. George Clooney had a nice little acceptance speech. Every time I hear him speak I like him more and more. He talked about how he's glad that Hollywood is out of the mainstream. Pretty liberal viewpoint, but that's how I like my viewpoints. If you can find the text of his speech anywhere, check it out. I'm having trouble finding it. Oh well.

I just looked at all the websites that are in my "Favorites" on Internet Explorer and guess what. I go to two of them on a regular basis. The rest are all sites that I bookmarked because I randomly found them and wanted to make sure that I didn't lose them, but I haven't gone to any of them since that first time. I should just delete them, but I know that once I do I'll need to go http://www.genealogy.com/16_cousn.html and see exactly what a first cousin twice removed it. The thing is, I've retained the information from that site so I'll never need to go back. Plus, if I did, I could just Google it and go back, but I'm a packrat. Yes, I'm even a packrat with websites. How fucking lame is that?

Speaking of lame, I'm going to go now. I'm far too bored to keep typing. Plus, it's almost time to watch some mindless television. Good night and good riddance.

So Long and Thanks to the Bloody Gash

My three inch stomach vagina is finally closing up. It's no longer bleeding like most gashes do. Sure, it's still pumping out pus and it bleeds a bit, but that's to be expected. It only hurts every once in a while and that's mostly the muscle underneath trying to heal. Apparently, my appendix burst so badly that they had to make a bigger incision than normal to make sure they got all of its pieces. Plus, they had to clean out quite a bit of infection. It's almost a badge of honor that I was stupid and waited way too long to go to the hospital because it meant I had one of the worst cases of ruptured appendix they have ever seen. In fact, my doctor told me I was pretty brave to deal with the pain for three straight days. I corrected him and told him I was stupid. There's a huge difference between bravery and stupidity. Bravery means that you know how bad something is but you deal with it anyhow. Stupidity means you have no idea what's going on and you just happen to deal with it.

That's the reason that the movie Say Anything is so great. The main character Lloyd Dobler is an eternal optimist. That would mean nothing if he was unaware of just how shitty things are around him, but he's not unaware. He socially conscience. He knows how bad things are, but he chooses to be happy and to look on the bright side of thing. If you're unaware of how horrible things are, but you're still happy then it just makes you stupid.

Did that make any sense?

You know what I hate about pooping? I hate wiping. Man, it sucks. Not only does it sometimes take longer than the actual act of pooping, but for me it's torture. My ass is hemerhhoid city lately. Especially since yesterday when I pooped out a turd that might have been as wide as a cue ball. It feel like I was getting ass raped from the inside. Today was the same thing. Not fun. It's even less fun when you wipe and you notice a puddle of blood on the toilet paper. It's all the bad parts of ass rape without all the fun of some dude slamming it in my ass. Atleast if some guy was ass raping me I could feel comforted in the knowledge that at least one person on this planet found me attractive enough to violate my brown eye. (I have a weird way of looking at things, don't I?) The thing that sucks is that I have to dook like you would not believe, but I have decided to hold it in until it decides to shrink in size. I think it's the only rational thing to do. Either that or I might have to get an ass sphincter transplant.

Notice that I specified the type of sphincter. Many people don't seem to realize that you have many sphincters in your body. Your iris is a sphincter, if you can believe that. A sphincter is any circular muscle that constricts or loosens as is needed. Weird, huh?

Well, some of you may be happy or distrubed to know that my normal sex drive has returned. I'm back to touching myself about once a day. For awhile I didn't even want to look at nipples. Talk about scary. Now if I could just find a lovely lady who will let me disappoint her with my sexual skills. Ladies, if you are interested, please contact me. Please. I'm begging you. I am literally on my knees typing this. God, I'm lonely.

I've been doing a lot of crossword puzzles and whatnot. I'm actually quite addicted to them. While I was in the hospital it was all I could really do. I watched a lot of horrible tv, tried to sleep and I did puzzles. Since then I've been constantly doing them because I really have nothing else to do. I really haven't been able to be too mobile, plus, there's no one in the area that wants to hang out with me, so I just stay home. These puzzles have kept sane the past few weeks. Well, they've kept me as sane as I can possibly be.

These past few weeks have shown me that I need to get the hell out of this town. I have no friends around here and most of the time when people that I do know come home, they don't get ahold of me. They usually have more important things/people to take care of. That's understandable, but that doesn't mean that I don't think it totally sucks. If I lived anywhere else I'm sure that I'd at least have something to do once a week or so and I'd have people to hang out with more than once every few months like I do now. I don't know. Maybe I'm thinking this way in reaction to the inaction I've been forced to endure the past two weeks.

I just finished listening to "Rocky Raccoon" by the Beatles. It's on the White Album. I highly recommend that you buy it. If you don't own it you are an asshole. Anyhow, part of the song talks about the Gideon's bible. It got me thinking. Why is there a bible in hotel rooms? If you're the type of person that feels the need to read the bible while you're on vacation it's assumed that you probably read the bible everyday. Then it's also assumed that you would probably bring your own damn bible with you since you're a freak. That's not a knock on Christians or anything. I'm just saying that if you read the bible every day then you're a freak. I love Catcher In the Rye, but I don't read parts of that book everyday. Why? Because I've read it enough times to know everything that happens in it. Most people who read the bible everyday know every friggin' line of it, so why read it over and over again? When I reread a book it's because it's been so long since I read it that I want to relive it, but the bible is goddamn depressing. Plus, it's really not that great of a book storywise. It would be like reading an encyclopedia over and over again. Once you learn what's in the book, do you really need to reread it? Let me know what you think Amerikkka. (Notice how I spelled it with "kkk"? That's because I'm punk rawk bitch!)

Back to the Beatles. A few weeks ago I talked about how Paul McCartney gets a bum rap because everyone thinks that John Lennon was music's answer to Jesus Christ. Just now I thought of another reason why everyone's love affair with John Lennon is due to ignorance on their part. Nevermind the fact that Lennon wanted to leave the Beatles some time after Sgt Pepper's came out. He really lost all interest in the band, but he stayed because McCartney pushed him and gave him a reason to stick around. That's reason enough to bow at McCartney's feet, but what really irks me about the world's love of Lennon just kind of popped into my head. Now don't get me wrong, I love John Lennon and I think that he was one of the world's all-time greatest songwriters. I don't begrudge him and of the praise that he's received for that. He deserves it. I have a problem with the deification of him. He was one of the leaders of the "free love" movement, so everyone loves him for that, no questions asked. Well, here's my beef with that. John Lennon was married before he met Yoko Ono. In fact, he left his wife to be with Yoko. That's fine. I don't blame him for where his heart roamed. That's something you really can't control. I do blame him for more or less ignoring his son from that relationship. After he shacked up with Yoko, he more or less forgot about his son Julian. After his death, you know what Julian got from him in way of an inheritance? Nothing. Lennon left him nothing. It's understandable that he left everything to his wife, but shouldn't his first born son have gotten something? Apparently not. In fact, he fought to get something. He wasn't even after money. He wanted personal effects. Things to remind him of his father, but Yoko wouldn't let him have anything. For that reason alone, this deification of John Lennon needs to stop. He was a great songwriter, but kind of a hypocrite when it comes to free love. I mean, if you can't love your own child then what kind of person does that make you? Hell, I love every ejaculation I've ever had. I think about them all the time and they were just cum in some tissues. Just imagine how much I'll care about an actual child. Luckily, I'll never know because I'm never going to have a kid because I'm never going to have sex without protection because I'm never going to find a girl who will actually let me stick my doo-doo into her hoo-ha.

Lucky me.

They Call Me Turd Sandwich

Last night I wrote what many would consider the perfect blog. It was informative, personal, funny and full of hate. I spent about an hour at the computer just letting random thought after random thought come pouring out on the page (I know, there's no page, but it sounds way cooler than saying "pouring out on the screen") and somehow all of these random thoughts pieced together. It was amazing. I was actually going to be proud of a blog. Blogs are fucking lame. We all know this. This one, though, was different. I'm not even sure what it was, but it was so pure somehow. I don't know. Maybe it was the lack of sleep. Maybe it was the pain killers flowing thru my veins. Maybe it was just a perfect storm of depression, anger, hope and humor all coming together for me in that hour. Luckily, no one will ever read it because when I went to finally post it, MySpace decided to time itselt out. Doing so, it erased every letter I had written. Oddly enough, though, it seems pretty poetic now that I look back on it. That doesn't mean that I'm not pissed as hell, though. God, I just wish I still had that text. If you could read it, you would see just how poetic it was that it was erased. The vitriol that spewed forth from my fingertips was perfect in everyway. That's why it had to be destroyed.

It's a lot like an episode of the Twilight Zone. The one where the guy hates the world and all he wants to do is read and be left alone. He gets his wish when an all out atomic war happens. He comes out of a bunker to realize that he's the last man left on the planet. He ends up in the library and he starts to scream for joy. He has his books. He can live his life in bliss. Then he breaks his glasses.

That's what losing that blog is like. It's like I broke my glasses. I know that writing that stupid blog is far from me finding my ultimate happiness, but for a moment I had found my perfect outpouring of thought. Then in an instant, I broke my glasses.

Well, there's no use crying over spilt milk. I'll just have to move on.

Speaking of moving on, my bloody gash is slowly healing itself up. I'm only leaking a lot of blood instead of a shitload. That's uplifting news, right? I'm only in a lot of pain instead of a mind numbing amount. Luckily, everyone's lack of outpourting of concern for me seemed to help me heal up faster. It's amazing how people's indifference to my condition seems to make me want to survive just a little more. When I have people actually giving a shit about me, I tend to not mind if I live or die. I can't believe I'm actually that bitter that I would survive out of spite. Then again, I would almost just as easily kill myself out of spite. Gotta love that spite.

The funny thing is that I know that people are far worse off than me, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to stop thinking that I have the worst life ever. It's my right as a human being. Maybe it's just because I'm getting seriously close to asking my family to let me borrow some money to pay some bills. Not working for three weeks will seriously kill your bank account. I bought some groceries to last me the next week and I'm literally down to my last dollar. It really sucks. Since I've left home, I've never had to borrow money. Well, I have, but it's always been for a day or two until pay day. I'm not going to be getting a pay day for nearly a month. That's a long time to have to borrow money for. That's the main reason that I'm not so bummed about having to miss the NOFX show tomorrow. I can't afford to go away for the weekend. Luckily, I have a friend who's going to buy my ticket. That little bit of money will come in very handy.

Did I mention how broke I am?

Fuck VolksWagen. Fuck them to hell. Have you seen their newest shitty commercials? Some faggity fag-fag with a horribly lame German accent tries to sound all ghetto and then they destroy a shitty ghetto cruiser. Those commercials are fucking annoying. Almost as annoying as the "You're getting a Dell" commercials, but not quite. Everytime I see one of those commercials, the small hippy that lives deep in my soul that wants to own an old school VW Beetle dies a little. I want nothing to do with that company. Shitty commercials will turn me off of a company very quickly. Kick ass commercials will make me want to keep buying their product in hopes that they will make more commercials. I'm just like everyone else except I willingly let myself get brainwashed into being a consumer whore.

So, I'm giving serious thought to trying one of those online matchmaker services. Not so much because I want to find my soulmate. I don't. Granted, I want to have someone, but I don't want to be told whose perfect for me and then feel obligated to believe it. I mostly want to see if they could find a girl desperate enough to think I'm her soulmate. I think it would actually be funny.

Of course, I'm the guy that wants to make porn that stars guys with small cocks. Think about it. You're watching a porn with your wife or girlfriend and you're both getting all turned on and you whip your average size dick out and it looks HUGE in comparison to the dick on tv. How awesome of an ego boost would that be? I think it would work. I mean, who wants to pull out their tiny pud after watching a girl get split in half by a battering ram? Not me. When I watch porn I just start crying because I'm so damn small. I think my porn idea would work. Any ladies want to be in my first film? I didn't think so.

Well, I'm going to leave now. My wrists are starting to hurt. Hopefully I'll get carpal tunnel syndrome so I'll have yet another thing that's wrong with me. Should be fun.

Fuck Me. Fuck You.