It's Small But Fierce

So, I went to Wal-Mart today to pick up some toilet paper and some garbage bags. I picked up some other things, but the t.p. and the garbage bags were the reason I went. We were out of both. Being out of toilet paper wouldn't be so bad because you can always use paper towels in a pinch, but no garbage bags means that I can't throw anything away. Anyhow, that's really not the point.

The point is that everywhere I looked there was a super hot mom. I don't know what it was, but everywhere I turned there was a hot mom and it just wasn't fair. All I wanted to do was go up to them and just fuck their brains out right then and there. But, unfortunately, that would be illegal so I instead just stared at them like a creepy old guy stares at teenage girls.

Then, after all the hot moms were out of my vision, I saw a really old woman who was wearing a wig. I feel so bad when I see old women wearing wigs. It's not bad if it's a decent wig, but when you can tell from fifty feet away that it's a wig, then it's just depressing as hell.

I can't wait until I'm old and going bald. I'm going to wear a toupee and it's going to be hilarious. My toupee is going to be a totally different color than the rest of my hair. Plus, mine's going to have a chin strap. It will be my way of saying "Yeah, I'm going bald. Fuck you!"

I went bowling last night. Bowling is the most fun you can have when you have absolutely nothing else to do. Usually when someone suggests bowling as something to do for the night, I usually look at them like they are retarded. Last night, though, it was the perfect idea and no one really knows why. Warmbrodt is a friggin' genius.

If you ever want to see the greatest movie ever, watch Citizen Kane. But, if you want to see a horrible horror movie, then you have to get Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter. Corey Feldman and Crispin Glover are both in it. They are both top notch.

This town needs to import a few cheap whores. That's exactly what this town could use. It would give me something to do. Plus, a whorehouse is just classy.

So, what the fuck is a podcast enclosure? There's a box for it on this stupid blog. I think it's fucking stupid. Fuck Podcasts.

I know I'm probably going out on a limb here, but I don't care if any of you assholes agree with me or not. I'm just going to say it. Hitler was a jerk. You can disagree with me, but it's my right as a 'Merican to say what I believe.

I was watching Nickelodeon today. Well, not really, but it was on in the other room and I was listening to it. Anyhow, a commercial came on talking about farts. It was great. Did you know that the average person farts 14-20 times a day? It even told me that farting is your bodies way of saying you're healthy. It also told me to let it out. That's advice worth following.

I'm a Friggin' Nerd.

So, I bought Dragon Quest VIII a few days ago. I bought it because it had a playable demo of Final Fantasy XII. I didn't just buy it for the demo, but the demo made me buy it way sooner than I had planned. Let's just say it was fucking worth it. My nerdiness is growing as I type this. Dragon Quest VIII is fantastic. It's a pretty simple RPG, but that's what I like about. I hate having to learn some crazy fucking system just to realize that I did it wrong so the forty hours I spent on it was useless. Anyhow, I'm about four hours into the game and I think I might be addicted to it as badly as I was addicted to Final Fantasy VII a few years back. If I didn't absolutely have to go to work, I would so quit my job and just play this game. God, I'm a nerd.

Thanks to my roommate, I've had to listen to quite a bit of Christmas music the past few days. I hate Christmas music, but this time instead of getting bummed out like I always get when I have to listen to Christmas music, I decided to be proactive and dust off my copy of Christmas with the Vandals. It's everything a punk rock Christmas album should be. It's rocking as balls and it's funny as balls. My favorite song for the holidays is on that album. It's called "Hang Myself from the Tree" and it's the saddest song ever. I recommend you download it and play it over and over again. After about two or three hours of repeat listening, I swear you will be as depressed as me that it's Christmas.

Why don't they have any Thanksgiving carols? It's just as important a holiday as Christmas. Hell, I think it's more important because it's all about being thankful for what you have. Christmas is all about being thankful for what you want to get. Maybe that's why I love Thanksgiving. Just like the white man, it's so pure. It's not about gifts. It's about family, friends and stuffing your fat face.

Speaking of fat faces, that reminds me of a funny story. Well, not so much a funny story, but more of a funny moral. Russ and I were at an all you can eat buffet one day. I ate about twenty pounds of crab legs and they went right thru me. I had to take a deuce. So, I did. I came back and started eating more fucking crab legs. As we both went thru plate after plate of food we both looked up numerous times and said that we weren't even hungry anymore. That's when it hit me. I knew at that moment why nobody likes the United States. Because we're assholes. Also, we're fat. And greedy. And better than them. Hooray for America!!!

Well, I'm out. My sleeping pills are kicking in. Time for nappy nap. Yay!!!

Hang Myself From the Tree

Hang Myself From the Tree
Christmas is hell on earth
I know nothing worse
Then being depressed and told to be happy
The season of suicide
I know why they died
Christmas reminds me I have nothing

Chorus:
I've got no girl, there's only me
No friends or family
Another Christmas alone
I've got no food to eat
No ornaments or wreath
So, I'll hang myself from the tree

Christmas is dark and wet
So I can't forget
Christmas reminds me I have nothing
This is the end of hope
I won't wrote a note
Because it would be addressed to no one

Chorus

Now I will say good-bye
No one will cry
Christmas goes on without me
My life is now complete
So I'll go to sleep
Forever and ever and ever....

Chorus

Things That Happen

So, I got out of the shower today and I dried off like I'm supposed to. For some reason, though, I put my shirt on before I put my boxers on. It was really uncomfortable. Have you ever been wearing only a shirt? It's almost as weird as only wearing socks. I've done that before. It's kind of creepy. I feel like I should be wearing an overcoat or something.

Christmas is almost here. Boo fucking hoo. I hate this shitty holiday. Although, I do get a few days off of work, so that will be nice. Of course, it's not like I'm going to be doing anything exciting with those days off. I'll be hanging with Russ and Gib, which will be nice. Plus, I'm going to Olean on the 28th. That should be exciting. I guess that does kind of fill up my 5 days off. I just feel left out somehow. Christmas is the second most depressing time of the year. I think New Year's and Valentine's Day tie for first.

So, I'm going to take on two New Year's resolutions this year. The first is that I'm going to finally, finally lose some weight. I'm going to just stop buying food other than lettuce. Maybe an apple every once in a while. My second resolution is that I'm going to force myself to write my fantasy novel. I've had the story in my head for years. Now it's time to knock it out. It will never get published, but there's something fulfilling about writing a thousand pages of semi-coherent thoughts. When I wrote my movie script, it was damn fulfilling and it was only seventy-five pages. Hopefully I'll get around to actually filming my movie this summer. Hey, it could happen.

Well, I'm off to GIT-R-DONE... whatever that means.

Did You Ever...

Did you ever get so depressed that you couldn't even jerk off? That's how bummed I am right now. You'll never guess why.

If you said dames, you'd be correct.

I don't know why I even don't try. Even not trying ends up making me depressed. You'd think the fact that I don't try would make it a lot easier to take when I realize a girl wouldn't fuck me with a stolen vagina. It doesn't.

As George Carlin once said: Fuck Hope!

You know what I hate?

Just about everything, but you know what I hate more than anything right now? Stupid, stupid internet ads that have videos in them. I mean, what the deuce is up with that? They take forever to download and they always seem to slow down your computer. Do these companies really expect me to buy their shit now that I've had to wait forever just to get the porn I love so much? Take a small example, take a tip from me. Take all of your money and give it up to charity. When you're done with that, stop making gay ads that ruin my internet browsing. I just want to get my email, a little news, a whole lot of porn and then get the hell off. Wow, that pun wasn't intended. Anyhow, my point? Make ads that are quick and to the point. And really, does a half naked girl in a dating service ad really work? I can find fully naked girls who are licking each other's berginers in about two seconds. So, enough with the horribly slow ads.

You know what else I hate? Horrible facial hair. More specificly, my facial hair. Can a brother grow a beard? All I've wanted for the past five years is to be able to grow a beard. I can't for the life of me. All I can grow is a little patch on my chin. My neck has about two hundred hairs and all of them can grow about two inches a day, but they just aren't enough to grow a nice thick beard. Don't even get me started on my face. I'll get a quick shot of hair on my cheeks, but it's enough to cover about a square inch. Sadly, that square inch is spread over my entire face. It's just not fair. Maybe by the time I'm seventy I'll finally be able to grow that beard I've wanted my entire life. Of course, I will have been dead since I was thirty, so it won't really help me much. Damn you mother and father for your horrible facial hair traits!!!

And now that I'm ranting, you know what really grinds my gears? The fact that celebrities are news. The fact that rich people become celebrities. The fact that people actually give a shit what two rich cunts in New York are doing. You can't turn on VH1 without hearing about the fabulous life of some no talent ass-clown who thinks that everyone who's not as rich as them isn't worth one of their turds. It's pathetic. Why does anyone care about some basketball player's "crib"? Anyone who watched these shows and actually cares about these rich celebrities is a moron. It is my mission to kill these people for the betterment of the human race. People who care which celebrity is with some other celebrity should have their genitalia cut off and fed to Usher's dogs. Wait, I just heard that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been spotted together in NYC, so I have to go and find out what they are up to. God, they are both so gorgeous. If his sperm and her egg were to ever combine, it wouldn't form a baby, it would create an alternate universe. That's how gorgeous they are.

There's nothing better for your self-esteem

I love it when it seems like people are avoiding you. It does a lot to boost your esteem. Luckily, I don't need anybody. I have my cds and dvds to keep my company. Fuck people. Fuck women. I don't need them. I have my books. For New Year's this year I'm going to get drunk alone in my room. I'm either going to watch all three of the Lord of the Ring movies back to back to back or maybe I'll do a Star Wars marathon. Either way, I'm going to be drunk and miserable. If people don't want to talk to me then they don't have to. From this day on I'm never going to initiate a conversation. Fuck it. It's not worth it.

My Email to Fox News

The following is what I sent to Fox News after I saw yet another segment about how Christmas is being taken over by the Nazis or something like that. Do you think they'll post my email on their show? Do you think they'll hire me as correspondant? Let me know what you think America and post a comment bitch!



To: Fox News
Subject: Christmas Under Attack?

Aren't there more important things to worry about? There's a war going on. There's terrorism. Hell, we have elections coming up in a year that are far more important than whether or not a holiday is under attack! Now, just for the record, I am a stronly liberal atheist. I should be the one who's out there attacking Christmas, but gues what? I'm not. The reason? It's not really worth the effort. Do I wish that there was less religion in government? Of course, but we all have to live with things we aren't happy with. Some people have to live with the fact that abortion is legal (for now) and some people have to live with the fact that Christianity is highly prevalant in this country. Like I said, there are far more important things going on, but since I can't turn on the news without hearing about how Christmas is going to be secularized, I just have to say something. To begin with, Christmas is NOT the birthdate of Jesus. All evidence points to Jesus being born in September. But, that's neither here nor there since Christmas was originally a PAGAN holiday. It was a festival of lights. It was meant as a way of asking the gods to bring the sun back. There's a reason it happened right after the winter solstice. People were afraid that the sun was being taken away from them so they had a celebration in honor of the gods. At some point in the fourth century, the pope called for an end to all non Christian celebrations. The people didn't like that so Christianity co-opted the celebration for their own gain. In the history of the church, no one's birth was ever celbrated, only their deaths were. In an effort to spread Christianity the pope went again church tradition and made Christmas a celebration of the birth of Christ. Which is totally bogus anyhow since Christ was born sometime in the fall, most likely in September. So, what's all the arguing about? Wouldn't all this energy be better spent helping the homeless and the less fortunate? Now, just to get off of my high horse, I do agree that we should just go back to saying Merry Christmas when we're talking about Christmas, but does it really hurt to say Happy Holidays when there's a chance that a non-Christian might be around? That's just common decency. Of course, it's also common decency to not get bent out of shape if someone says "Merry Christmas" and you happen to be non-Christian. I do it all the time. If more people would just learn to accept and live with the little things that annoy us, wouldn't this country be a whole lot better?

It's Official!!!

I'm almost ready to die. The reason?

Masturbation has lost its fun. I don't enjoy it anymore. It's rather sad. The only thing keeping me from officially being ready to die is that I still think farts are funny. Once you stop laughing at farts, you are ready to go.

It's also official that I'm a huge piece of turd. The reason?

This is my 100th blog. How fucking gay is that? Seriously. Most people who write this much shit do it because they have a ton of people who read it and they also say something important. Since when it talking about my bleeding asshole or some girl who's dating a douche bag important? It's not.

Yet, I still keep writing in this stupid thing like it's going to change my life somehow. All it does is make me even more depressed because I've sunk to this level. Does that mean I'm going to stop writing in this stupid thing? Hell no. I'm much too pathetic to do that.

Do you hate Larry the Cable Guy? Want to see David Cross rip him a new one? Just click HERE ya sack of shit!

Is it just me, or is Christmas time the most depressing time of year? It's just goddamn sad. Everyone trying their best to impress everyone else with the great gifts they give. Not to mention all of the lovey-dovey bullshit shit us uggos have to put up with. It's sickening. And don't even get me started on New Year's Eve. Possibly the saddest day ever. Of course, this year my plan is to get super drunk and pass out by 9pm. That way I'll have a reason why I didn't kiss anybody. Hooray for plans!

So, Christmas is bullshit. I hate it. It hate the fact that every Jesus lover out there wants to use the day as a reason to force their religion down my throat. Sorry to all of you Christians out there, but Jesus was hardly born on December 25th. Let's talk September. Most signs point to that month.

In fact, Christmas was being celebrated WAY before Jesus was ever born. It was originally a pagan holiday. As the days got shorter and shorter, people would use the celebration as a way of appeasing their gods. They would ask that their gods bring the sun back to them. That's why the celebration was held around the winter soltice, which is the shortest day of the year. So, how did it become attributed to the birth of Christ?

Well, after Rome took over the world, the emporer started following this new fangled religion called Christianity. The church decreed that there would be no celebrations to the pagan gods. That didn't go over too well. In fact, no one really wanted to convert. The church decided to let the heathens have their celebration (a celebration that went AGAINST the teachings of the church) but instead of celebrating the pagan gods they would be celebrating the birth of Jesus. The people didn't really care just as long as they got to have their celebration. From then on, Christmas was no long a pagan holiday, mostly because of the apathy of the masses.

Obviously, that's a very brief history of Christmas, but it's important to know that Christmas is NOT Jesus' birthday nor was it originally a Christian holiday. The same goes for Easter. Leave it to the pagans to invent the two most holy Christian holidays.

That's going to be the next tv show I pitch to the networks. "Those Wacky Pagans" should be hitting the UPN sometime next fall.

Wow, this stupid entry just went all over the place. I need to get laid so I can finally clear my mind of all this stupid shit.

Seriously, though, see Larry the Cable Guy get his asshole ripped by David Cross!!! It's fucking awesome. David Cross is to comedy what punk rock is to music. That made no sense.